Sunday, September 5, 2010
SQUASH - not the veggie
Bob Woodruff says, " No one can undergo a life-changing event and be the exact same person they were before it happened." I think he is right, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. As someone who deals with change poorly this used to make me feel very sad after my aneurysm burst. I remember spending a lot of energy trying to convince everyone that I was exactly the same, because in my jumbled mind this meant I was "ok", and there was "nothing wrong with me". I even became angry if people made me feel otherwise. So, what triggered this memory?? I'll tell you, it was part of the sermon in church this morning. One of our pastors talked about how we are shaped by God our Creator "Potter". He used this analogy about an actual clay pot. "When the potter isn't happy with his clay, he doesn't throw it out. Instead, he may just squash it and start again". I know that God the creator is perfect in ALL ways so it is not that He has made a mistake but sometimes allows trails that "squash" us and give us the chance to "start again". For me this was very literal; learning how to walk, read, drive, cook and many other things again. Perhaps I was lumpy clay before, I was substitute teaching while getting my Masters in reading so I could keep my NYS teacher certification. To be honest, I hated it so much I didn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I dreaded Monday because it meant another week of subbing. I felt a lots of anxiety about doing all the things I needed to do to keep that certification because it "was a good job". I did truly loved the children I worked with and I loved the actual teaching part, learning new things and discovering what the world holds through the eyes of a child. It was all the other stuff I dreaded, the classroom management, trouble with parents, following IEPs, standardized testing scores etc.. I felt very inadequate for the job and had a hard time believing others who told me otherwise. So, with all that being said, I was pretty lumpy clay. After my aneurysm, my teaching certification expired and I almost felt liberated from the bondage of trying to keep it no matter what, I had worked so hard for it. Sure life was different and held new challenges but I can honestly say now I am thankful to wake up each morning and I look forward to going to the library to 'work'. Of course, there are other areas of life that are still "lumpy" (like I have never had any desire to bear children of my own, now more than ever, I have always wanted to adopt a child, I don't know why, just is what it is and is one thing that has not changed). So, like everyone not all my "lumps" have been completely resolved yet, but I am still being molded. SQUASH may have saved me from me, what a wonderful potter we have! I am thankful to be here and hope that this time I am not lumpy clay, so hard to mold, it needs to just be squashed. Thank you Lord for giving me the chance to be reformed, I hope this new formation brings God glory!