Wednesday, March 31, 2010

random thoughts

So I am having one of those "I can't relate to people" kind of days! Yup, I still have them. Those "evil voices" in my head say "people think you're weird or slow or, or...." We all have those days, right? After my aneurysm I literally did not understand that if somebody asked me to do something I was "allowed" to politely say "no". I thought if somebody asked me, it meant I was supposed to do it. This caused for a lot of additional frustration for both me and Nate! After we finally identified the problem, I then had to tell everyone "I don't know, I will have to get back to you"; I would then run it past Nate who would say "is there anything on your calender? or do you have the energy to do that?". Very frustrating and sometimes I still have a hard time evaluating my own abilities/energy, plus I thought I was being treated like a child, which I absolutely hated! So even today, I always have to get back to people before committing on anything and I still run it past Nate who is better at helping me know my own boundaries! The other thing we had to work on was that there was a polite way to tell someone "no". Saying "no" and hanging up the phone is rude, who knew? So, I am getting better at it and slowly trying to understand/relearn the complicated world of 'relating to people'!!

Spring time always brings back more feelings of insecurity. I think it is because my first "real" memories after being released from the hospital were of walking around our house looking at all the plants I had planted. I don't know exactly why, but I was terrified to leave the hospital. Part of it could be that now home was unfamiliar and I was scared about how/if I was going to to be able to relearn how to live in 'real life' again. I remember clinging onto that cane that I had to use while Nate held my arm so I wouldn't loose my balance on uneven ground. However, as I am today able to walk on uneven ground and bend over to pick something up without head pain, it makes me so thankful for the Lord's mercy on me and encourages me that there really has been lots of progress; even though some days don't feel like it.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Something to think about......

"My Name is Pride" by Beth Moore

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
I cheat you of your God-given destiny…
because you demand your own way.
I cheat you of contentment…
because you “deserve better than this.”
I cheat you of knowledge…
because you already know it all.
I cheat you of healing…
because you are too full of you to forgive.
I cheat you of holiness…
because you refuse to admit when you are wrong.
I cheat you of vision…
because you’d rather look in the mirror than out a window.
I cheat you of genuine friendship…
because nobody’s going to know the real you.
I cheat you of love…
because real romance demands sacrifice.
I cheat you of greatness in heaven…
because you refuse to wash another’s feet on earth.
I cheat you of God’s glory…
because I convinced you to seek your own.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
You like me because you think I’m always looking out for you.
I’m looking to make a fool of you.
God has so much for you, I admit, but don’t worry…
If you stick with me you’ll never know.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Just makes me laugh.......

So last night, Nate graciously watched "The Ugly Truth" with me. At the end of the movie there was a conversation that went like this....

"Mike Chadway: yeah it is scary, it’s terrifying, especially when I’m in love with a psycho like you!

Abby Richter: I am not a psycho!

Mike: I just told you that I love you and all you heard was psycho?! well you’re the definition of neurotic!

Abby: No! the definition of neurotic is a person who suffers from anxiety, obsessive thoughts, compulsive acts and—and physical ailments without any objective evidence of—

Mike: Shut up! …Then again, I just told you I’m in love with you and you’re standing here giving me a vocabulary lesson?

Abby: You’re in love with me … Why?

Mike: … ? but I am"

So, Nate looks over at me and smiles. He doesn't even have to say anything, I know what he is thinking "Lisa that is SO YOU". I laughed and said, "yes, yes it is" then followed by a teasing "but you knew that when you married me". We both smiled. Nate says "I'll still love you". We both smile and go about our evening!

Friday, March 5, 2010

"Facing my Giants"........slightly revised :)

Okay, so I will admit. I have changed the title of this post several times and have debated whether I would even post it or not. So here you go, I am posting it!
Originally, this was called "confessions of a 'worry wart'" and I was going to talk about fears keeping me back from fully experiencing life. I was going to tell you about how I worry about living near power lines, putting a cell phone anywhere near my head, tucking my pants into my socks to prevent a tick that might carry Lyme Disease. I admit that I won't even touch a shopping cart until I have used a sanitizing wipe on it. I could go on and on with all these little concerns that I live my life around. The Lord has really been working on me about this. It is a particular sin that I struggle with. I always have but, I now lack the energy to try to deal with my shortcomings so things seem to magnify and are often blamed on 'brain injury'. Any of you who know me well, know these oddities were present long before brain injury or aneurysm. This is not something I am proud of and recently I have been reminded that I should not listen to these "voices", so to speak. They are often the devil trying to discourage us and rob us of joy. I guess until recently I had never thought about it that way. of course since my aneurysm I have been tested and retested for everything under the sun. Doctors (and people) like labels so they call it "generalized anxiety disorder", "panic disorder" and "OCD". Boy, that is a lot to digest and does wonders for the self-esteem, right?? Doctors point to a brain injury as the cause but I think brain injury has just magnified personality traits/sins not dealt with previously.
So, why did I settle on "facing my giants"? Well, I have just described some of my 'giants' whether they are real or just imagined. The movie "Facing the Giants" reminded me that( 1.) The bible says "do not fear" 365 times (each day of the year we need not/are commanded not to fear. ( 2.) Nothing is impossible with God (read my story again if you don't believe me) But the one "giant" that I still have a hard time accepting/facing is constant fatigue. I no longer even remember what it is like to function without it! I have to be reassured several times a day that this is "normal" after what I survived. I still have to limit my activities to about 2-3 things in one day. So, grocery shopping, putting them away and then making dinner is all the energy I realistically have. If I do more than that it will sometimes still take me days of sleeping or resting to recover. Somewhere along the way I was told that my "executive function" (doing things without thinking) had been lost. At first even getting into my car was exhausting. I have to think about all the steps required to do so.....find the car,find the keys, click locks open, open door, etc. five years later I still have to do these things but they just don't take quite as long to recall. I am not complaining, please don't think that. I am totally and thoroughly grateful for being alive and being able to function at such a "normal" level. Like today, I lost my sunglasses, and forgot my cell phone. I was mildly frustrated because I didn't want Nate to worry about my not answering my phone and the tiny bit of light coming through the clouds was just enough to make my eyes feel like they were burning (my pupils don't dilate properly any more, making my eyes super sensitive to light). Anyway, I stopped for a few seconds while sitting in my car and thanked God that I was even out and about, then thanked Him that my head was attached to my body so at least I couldn't loose it (though I have been looking for my mind...haha). I was also thankful that I could now sit for a few minutes and relax and after closing my eyes I was able to continue about my day (after locating spare sunglasses in the Jeep)! Thank you Lord that "out of these ashes beauty will rise"!!

Beauty Will Rise by Steven Curtis Chapman
It was the day the world went wrong
I screamed til my voice was gone
And watched through the tears as everything
Came crashing down

Slowly panic turns to pain
As we awake to what remains
And sift through the ashes
That are left behind

But buried deep beneath
All our broken dreams we have this hope

Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning, beauty will rise

So take another breath for now
And let the tears come washing down
And if you can't believe, I will believe for you

Cause I have seen the signs of spring
Just watch and see

Out of these ashes beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of these ashes beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning
In the morning

I can hear it in the distance
And it's not too far away
It's the music and the laughter
Of a wedding and a feast
I can almost feel the hand of God
Reaching for my face to wipe the tears away
You say it's time to make everything new
Make it all new

This is our hope
This is a promise
This is our hope
This is a promise

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that's been made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

It will take our breath away
To see the beauty that He's made
Out of the ashes, out of the ashes

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Out of this darkness
New light will shine
And we'll know the joy that's coming in the morning
In the morning
Beauty will rise

Oh, beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise
Oh, oh, oh, beauty will rise