random thoughts

So I am having one of those "I can't relate to people" kind of days! Yup, I still have them. Those "evil voices" in my head say "people think you're weird or slow or, or...." We all have those days, right? After my aneurysm I literally did not understand that if somebody asked me to do something I was "allowed" to politely say "no". I thought if somebody asked me, it meant I was supposed to do it. This caused for a lot of additional frustration for both me and Nate! After we finally identified the problem, I then had to tell everyone "I don't know, I will have to get back to you"; I would then run it past Nate who would say "is there anything on your calender? or do you have the energy to do that?". Very frustrating and sometimes I still have a hard time evaluating my own abilities/energy, plus I thought I was being treated like a child, which I absolutely hated! So even today, I always have to get back to people before committing on anything and I still run it past Nate who is better at helping me know my own boundaries! The other thing we had to work on was that there was a polite way to tell someone "no". Saying "no" and hanging up the phone is rude, who knew? So, I am getting better at it and slowly trying to understand/relearn the complicated world of 'relating to people'!!

Spring time always brings back more feelings of insecurity. I think it is because my first "real" memories after being released from the hospital were of walking around our house looking at all the plants I had planted. I don't know exactly why, but I was terrified to leave the hospital. Part of it could be that now home was unfamiliar and I was scared about how/if I was going to to be able to relearn how to live in 'real life' again. I remember clinging onto that cane that I had to use while Nate held my arm so I wouldn't loose my balance on uneven ground. However, as I am today able to walk on uneven ground and bend over to pick something up without head pain, it makes me so thankful for the Lord's mercy on me and encourages me that there really has been lots of progress; even though some days don't feel like it.