Friday, October 4, 2013

Trapped Again

       I hope this post finds nobody who can relate, but I know someone will.  Most days I far exceed any body's expectations of me (well except my own).  While other days, I simply feel trapped inside this damaged head of mine with no way out! Yesterday was a "trapped" day.  Let me start by telling you fatigue was definitely part of the equation.  My hubby was out of town for work Monday-Wednesday and I never sleep that well without him there! Even our two dogs are on high alert all the time without him.  So, when I got to work on Thursday morning my brain was already "foggy," at best!  The shift the night before decided they would shelve books the way they like instead of exactly the way we do it in the morning.  Only slight differences but still enough to throw me off. So, after some quick rearranging I felt more capable of being proficient at my job with minimal extra energy! I knew I was in "survival mode" and had determined not to chat with anyone unless absolutely necessary.  The morning was steady, not insane but there were constant interruptions, question, phones, patrons.  This is still hard for me on a good day but I was determined I would stick it out for my four hour shift, taking breaks of course!!! I ran into a question that needed a judgement call  I was not willing to make about a cracked CD.  I went to the back office to find my supervisor. She gave me an answer and proceeded to list the steps to take.  It sounded familiar enough and I wasn't able to process it all right away so I repeated the steps I heard her say and agreed to follow them. I walked back to my desk station, repeating the steps to myself until I had a pen and piece of paper to write them down(short term memory strategy, I am religious about using them). Now, standing in front of my computer I got step one but then I couldn't find the icon I thought I needed to complete step two.  I asked the lady on the desk with me and I probably started in the middle of a thought when I asked her for help. She in not computer savoy and could not immediately help me. So, to make my long story short, after pulling out our desk manual (her idea not mine, the desk manual is like a recipe book; no good, too many lengthy explanations of steps. I was going to ask a librarian to show me) neither of us could figure out how to mark this item as damaged the correct way.  She kept asking me questions and I kept answering them just to stop the questions from continuing to come.  I knew I wasn't explaining myself clearly.  I knew what I wanted to do but felt 'trapped', unable to effectively communicate it.  Now, I am annoyed and frustrated almost to tears but determined not to let it get the best of me! I decided to walk away from the desk and take a deep breath in the quiet back room to regroup before a panic attack came over me. After regrouping I found someone else who was able to understand what I was wanting to do and she helped me take care of it correctly!! All this to say, I hate the feeling of being trapped inside my broken, disconnected brain, unable to get the right words out in the right order to be understood!

1 comment:

Shelby Bedard said...

I know that you hoped most wouldn't relate, but I did, and I am glad, not that you had a crappy day, but that someone in this world understands what being stuck in your head is. I know I dont comment much, but I hug you everytime I read your blog. thank you for blogging about your journey. more hugs coming your way.