Monday, September 30, 2013
What about the road you never ever, ever wanted to travel?
"Never mind the “road less traveled.”
What about the road you never ever, ever wanted to travel?" -Rosemary Rawlins
Even the most loving and supportive family and friends fail to "get it" from time to time. Sometimes their own agendas and pressures cause them to push you 'too far'. I always struggle with this. First, I have a huge heart and would love to help anytime I possibly can, making the answer, "I'm sorry, I just can't" a very hard phrase for me. Then, when I finally do admit my limits and boundaries, I am left feeling guilty. Thus the second struggle, when is it good to stretch past my comfort zone and when do I simply have to say "no" and accept that without guilt?? Sometimes others fail to realize the reality of the insane fatigue. Or, do they understand and I am simply too sensitive about it? Life is such a delicate balancing act of carefully planning in order to survive the constant daily "unknown". What I mean is this, if I commit to doing something I carefully plan my week accordingly. I must plan for a slow day both before and after a busy one. Even with careful planning some days are, simply put, bad ones. The brain fog comes and goes as it pleases. This is why I work one little morning a week. It seems survivable now even on a bad day. I can drag myself the 10 minutes on back roads to the library. I can take frequent brakes and limit the amount I talk to people around me! This is my strategy to survive it at all. I know that people probably think I am "being a baby" but they don't live in my head every day. So, here I sit frustrated by my guilt for simply drawing a line and not being willing to suffer another terrible "brain crash" by being busy on four consecutive days. Even if, in a perfect situation, I do get a nap; it won't fix all the overstimulating busy and there will still be the days of 'cloudy with a chance of migraine', no thank you! Please, if I decline just accept it without seeming aggravated or annoyed! Please advocate for me when I loose my nerve and cave to the perceived pressures around me! My big heart will win every time and then we all loose. I am left with the shell of me plagued by insane fatigue and brain fog, paired with nausea from the crazy fatigue, and the "tightest neck muscles" a massage therapist has ever felt! And, everyone around me is left with a quiet, antisocial girl unable to tolerate even the slightest demands on her!
On another note here is a blog I worked on weeks ago and never "published":
I am up at camp with my hubby against my will since I really love the modern conveniences that civilization provides. I unashamedly love running water, electricity, hot showers, Internet access, phone service and close stores for forgotten items. However, I do not miss the constant annoying noise of a television that is, in my opinion, WAY TOO LOUD! With all of this being said I finished the book I had been reading, Edenbrooke by Julianne Donaldson. It was the most lovely, enchanting book I can remember reading since my aneurysm! After finishing I had that feeling of being a little disappointed it ended! I was not ready to shift gears and start another book so I ventured off alone to take a walk with my camera! As I was walking, the sound of a running brook stopped me in my tracks. All of the sudden, I was 18, a freshman at college, and homesick. Usually, fall makes me long for those days, to pack up and head back to college! This college I long to head back to is only made up of all the happy moments and good memories. Hearing that brook today brought me back to the less than wonderful moments of stress when I would walk to this little brook behind the dorm I lived in! I used to go here to pray and clear my head amongst the inevitable drama and decisions and hours of uncertain study! I had no idea what I wanted to be or do for the rest of my life and yet by the end of sophomore year I was going to be forced to decide! Oh, the turmoil in my brain came back to me as I struggled and desired for God's will yet couldn't hear above all the “noise”. Suddenly, standing by that brook today I didn't long for my “old” life! There sure are a lot of things about that girl that I miss and probably always will. But for one brief breath I could be okay with the day that she was lost and it seemed like nothing again would ever be clear! That day when moving forward could only happen with faith!! While I thought that was exactly how I was living back then, it is only through the storm that I can now see that girl. That scared, worried, stressed girl who only made decisions based on “what was sensible” even if she hated every minute of it! She worried about all the perceived expectations of her and was totally consumed by fear. Fear of headaches, migraines, having kids, hating classroom teaching, marrying the wrong person, never meeting the right one, and the list could go on and on!!! She was a mess in college trying to hold it all together. So she went along often unnoticed, unsure, immature,having unreal expectations of both herself and others. But, with a heart truly seeking God's will for her life. Thankfully, she was/is a daughter of an infinitely loving King who answered all her silent prayers and heart's desires, even though she would have to struggle and life with all these blessings would not be perfect or "how she pictured it." I'm not really sure what other people would tell you about the girl that she was. Most would probably answer, "who??" If she, that 18 year old by the brook, had known what the next seven years would hold for her, I am quite certain she would have responded much like Moses did at the burning bush, I imagine her with intense fear saying, "certainly you can't mean me for that story, you know how weak and fearful I am, nobody even notices me, it is all more than I can survive". Yet, God gave her an incredible testimony. I am the girl she resembles. I am still imperfect and often times scared and unnoticed. I still haven't figured it all out nor has everything been revealed in His perfect will but He has never let me go, I would not have made it through alone!!!! So now I, the 30-something aneurysm survivor with a TBI, waits and longs for doing more in His perfect will. Still, while being incredibly thankful I can remember that 18 year old version of me! Thankful that I was privileged to go to college and finish strong with all of my brain cells still intact, no matter how many mistakes I made along the way!!