Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Thoughts about leaves on life

      So normally, I am not really a lover of nature but being married to an outdoor man, I try to like it or at least tolerate it when I can. But fall, I love fall!! Even outside moments like apple picking, I love apples!! Okay, here is my confession though; I really love apple picking pictures the most! This year is the first time since my aneurysm/TBI that I have actually even cared remotely about the leaves changing again, instead of the fatigued "brain injured numbness toward everything." Or, as E.E. Cummings once was quoted saying, “unbeing dead, isn't being alive.” But fall, I love the fall. Chilly, not hot or freezing cold (an indecisive season). Hoodies and a favorite pair of jeans, a little closer to "alive;" just a little!! I have been trying to sort my house too, less things = less brain fog!!

     Usually,  I wouldn't pick up fallen leaves just because they were pretty. But, a few of them just spoke to me this year and seemed too pretty to just rake into the woods. In a weak moment, I picked them up and put them in paper under a heavy book to dry and maybe dip in wax to preserve then hang them from fishing line in my kitchen window as a fall decoration. A decoration, that I will get sick of quickly and toss in an effort to again reduce visual clutter, a vicious cycle, isn't it?? As I put them in the paper to press, I noticed something. These leaves were still "changing." Each of them, indecisive and unsure. Two colors, not one firm ,solid one. Welcome to my life now little leaves.  Even the simplest decisions, are now seemingly impossible to make.  Am I hungry? What do I want to eat? Should I wear short sleeves or long? Do I want chocolate or vanilla?? I never frustrating on a daily basis. So, I just pick the first one I see or am offered! Hey, at least I have a coping strategy, right?
   On a larger scale each of those leaves is stuck in transition! Maybe this is why I just had to pick them up. Maybe I could relate, indecisive and longing to transform from this state to something more beautiful? But, what is that?? How do you maintain sanity while fulfilling our destiny?? Is yellow thriving or is it red that is thriving, should you just stay a "safe green"?? What is red? what is yellow? I'm refusing to just stay 'green', clinging to the "safe" choice as I always have, never transforming into the more beautiful. I'm asking, "Lord, where do you need me most." I know I feel most "alive" helping others. The moments I almost thought I could be alive were those advocating for others or speaking to others, educating/teaching them or spreading awareness! So, like the leaves, I am still transforming; waiting for clarity. Or, as Michael W. Smith would say "[I'm] Looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find, My place in this world." So, what color will it be, waiting for the right doors to clearly open. Until then, it's going to be making the most of the hard transition, but I get discouraged sometimes so I'll just look at my pretty leaves; hoping for a little help deciding what color to become!!
My favorite one!

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