Friday, March 4, 2011

March Fourth

As my good friend Judy reminded me on her blog today's date is also a command! So, here is to "marching (fourth) forth".

I am reading a book called "My Life in Spite of Me" by Kristen Anderson. She tells her story of struggling with depression to the point of laying on train tracks to "end it all" one night! Of course God had other plans for her life and she lost her legs instead of her life. Two things have really stood out to me about her story. First, she could not remember how she got on those tracks that night. She wrestled with the possibility that she indeed had tried to commit suicide but didn't want to think that she would actually try to take her own life. Throughout the beginning of her book she describes "trying to remember" and how much she needed to know how she ended up there. It brought me back to my initial stay at Sunnyview Rehabilitation Hospital and I felt exactly the opposite about remembering how I 'got there'. I was scared silly at the thought of going to a 'neuro psychologist'. I thought for sure they were going to try to get me to remember the rupture and car accident. I was scared that they might be able to get me to remember it, I didn't want to know! Of course, my circumstances were very different from Kristen's but I love what one wise counselor told her, "God protects us from these memories until He knows we are ready for them and he is ready to use them for His glory!" I am still being protected from the exact detail of my trial while Kristen was able to remember she made a choice and worked through dealing with that. And I have since learned that 'neuro psychologists' mostly do testing to see just how much you have lost and tell you "you have a brain injury" then leave it to others to help you deal with what that means. I am thankful God has protected me from those memories and is dealing with other aspects in my life for now!

The other question Kristen deals with in her book is one that I did not. She describes going to church her whole life but not truly knowing if she would go to heaven when she died. At first, she thought that 'of course she would have gone to heaven, she was a good person'. She wrestled with truly not knowing for sure where she would have gone if she had died. I can't imagine having to deal with that question after such a traumatic experience. So I ask you, do you know for sure where you are going when you die? I'll tell you how I know. I know that I am a sinner,the Bible says, "all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God"( Romans 3:23) My sin separated me from God(the wages of Sin is death: Romans 6:23). Jesus died on the cross so that those who confess their sin and put their trust in Him and Him alone will be saved; covered in His blood and pardoned before God, our creator(John 14:6). There is no other way my friend! I once had a young girl come up to me and say, "How can you still go to church after what happened to you? Aren't you mad at God? I can honestly say I was never mad at God for allowing this in my life. I always knew he had a reason for it whether I find out what it is in this life or in heaven some day. This does not mean that I never struggle over living each day inside my own head. It doesn't mean I am never sad or frustrated by circumstances. It doesn't even mean that I have no fears or anxiety to conquer. It simply means that I know God is using me even when I don't see it or know it. I even see a therapist to help me work through some of my specific struggles. I am not particularly proud of this and it is yet another humbling exercise for me. I only tell you this because I appreciate other people's 'transparent honesty' and am encouraged by learning how other people "deal with things". So "march forth" my friends.......MARCH (FOURTH)FORTH!
~a blessed girl~


Farmgirl said...

There are so many words I want to say to you- and they fail me. I am continually amazed at how my time with you at Houghton when you were "well" and I was "broken" was so limited, and then the time I've gotten to know you since has been made so much more rich by the amazing woman you are.... it just astounds me. I am so grateful that God placed us on a path together to grow. Thank you for your encouragement and beautiful words. See? Words failed me, but not entirely. There's still more that I just can't seem to find.

Anonymous said...

You really do have an amazing way with words - a talent you did not get from me. Thanks for all of this and for being who you are - a amazing wonderful person that I am blessed to know.

Jessica said...

Lisa, you are amazing! It is so inspiring how you show your bravery by facing every day with such a humble, thankful attitude. I miss you!