I asked Siri, "how many days has it been since February 1, 2005." 'Her' reply:
9 years 6 months, 6 days
496 weeks 2 days
And still every "crash" seems like the worst fatigue/fog I've ever had. Thankfully hubby is good at reminding me this is nothing new!!! It's just so hard to believe a human being can just live in such an exhausted state!! According to my "migraine/fatigue journal " I keep for my neurologist I haven't had a "good day" since the beginning of May. The entire summer has been complete "survival mode" with very little thriving, if the truth be told! The weather has not been ideal for this survivor. It seemed the days are filled with intensely bright, glaring sun while the evenings are one thunderstorm after another. So, navigating outside is a challenge even with those "granny sunglasses", you know those ones that have blinders on the sides and are enclosed on the top and bottom. My poor sister is horrified that I own a pair. K, I promise, I only wear them to drive!!!! Since brewing storms cause an annoying ache right down like line on my forehead where my skull was removed. It even ached along the valve of my shunt that is a lump on the back of my head. I traced it with my fingers trying to dull the pain and consequently had a panic attack that it felt different and was coming out of my head! Total panic, shaaking, couldn't breathe, sweaty, the whole deal!! My hubby felt it and it felt completely "normal" to him as he reminded me I was simply overtired and not thinking clearly. So it has been the annoying ache and constant panic reaction from the overstimulating sunlight all summer!!! July this month was especially horrid on me. While talking to my job coach today, she was shocked and sad that I could fake just "carrying on with life" so well. Life must go on and I try so hard not to bring everyone down with me! I'm not trying to be "fake" and if you made me stop for a second and tell you how I was really doing, I'd be happy to. "Carrying on" as normal is how I cope, it just has to be done!! It is what is, there is no fix for Brain Injury and every single brain injury is different!!!. My doctors explain that my blood tests indicate "normal" levels of needed hormones, but my damaged brain doesn't respond to them exactly as it should! So, I have the choice to live life with these limitations or to become a complete hermit and lessen the number of times I "crash." I simply choose to live within the often annoying limits, rather imperfectly, and deal with the crash when it comes! Today is the first day since the beginning of May that the fog has lifted a bit and I am enjoying a "good brain day," even if it means I will still need a nap after writing this!!! It is truly a gift from God as I have a renewed peace. Goodbye July, August please be kinder to me! Happy summer my friends! May all your days be "good brain days!" and if they aren't send me an email and I'd be happy to commiserate!