More anchors............

I heard the song  "Anchor" (click to hear it) in church today!  How fitting since the anchor symbol has been in the forefront of my mind all week! I cannot even count the number of times that my devotions/thoughts/prayers are echoed each Sunday in a new way! It has truly healed some scarred part of my heart! I am eternally thankful for the fulfillment of my longing to simply worship again! As a dear friend says, "Our church is like a hospital, where Grace heals wounded hearts of all kinds!" So, the anchor has and will still hold as I regain pieces of me, I once loved! Here are the words:

ANCHOR BY HILLSONG

VERSE
I have this hope
As an anchor for my soul
Through every storm
I will hold to You

With endless love
All my fear is swept away
In everything
I will trust in You

CHORUS
There is hope in the promise of the cross
You gave everything to save the world You love
And this hope is an anchor for my soul
Our God will stand
Unshakable

VERSE
Unchanging One
You who was and is to come
Your promise sure
You will not let go

BRIDGE
Your Name is higher
Your Name is greater
All my hope is in You

Your word unfailing
Your promise unshaken
All my hope is in You

When it rains it pours, the anchor holds

This post started out as simply "when it rains it pours!"  It was pouring when I started writing and the surgery line in my head ached!!  Summers since my aneurysm have held their own unique challenges! Mostly it is just their tendency to be BUSY! The library, usually the highlight of my week, is transformed into a "zoo" with reading programs and children off from school.  Weekends are twice as busy and required a hour longer shift from me. Despite my plea that it was too busy for me, I had to "suck it up" and go on, taking more frequent breaks whether the work allowed me to or not! Then there was vacations that needed to be covered and a scheduling nightmare for me! It always brought back the feeling of being inadequate and guilt for not being able to help as much as I'd like!  It frustrated me that, even in high school,  I remember working 40 hour weeks during the summer and tolerated it just fine!  Oh, the black cloud of guilt, summer seemed to magnify. Leadership at my current work changed this year and my faint voice was graciously heard.  It has made a tremendous impact to be off the desk where the busy pace was only exaggerating my fatigue and overall brain overload.  But, I loved it and it made me feel like I had a "real job" and was regaining some part of my lost self so I just tried to keep going in my overloaded state; often crashing on the ones who deserved it least when I just couldn't hold it together any longer! The Lord's gracious provision in this area has helped me survive this year's struggles.  It began early  this year as a dear friend lost a child to an aggressive brain cancer. It continued with various extended family members struggling with aggressive cancer, hip replacements, knee replacements and elderly grandparents! Even the littlest things like selling my old, beloved Jeep and deciding how to replace it seemed too much to process. July proved to be a very "off month" for me. I felt constantly behind (even late to things, totally unlike me) and disorganized in the busy, busy, busy!! August came, I braced myself.  As it was in July, August had every weekend packed with activity! Then, the same week my hubby was put on a seemingly impossible project at work, his mom went back into the hospital with an infection in her newly replaced knee.  It had the potential to be very serious! And the storm raged on!! My earthly vessel tossed and my nerves tested!

Now if you know me you know me, I get rather "obsessed" or "fixated" on things now! For awhile, it was clouds and their "silver linings." This summer it is "anchors" as in boat!! Maybe because my hubby teases me that I am his anchor. I think he just means, in a loving way, that I hold him back from doing all the crazy or dangerous things he would like to! I'm okay with that! When we sold my Jeep I asked hubby to drive with me one last time to the sight of my accident when my aneurysm ruptured.  I needed a picture of me with my Jeep right there and then I could move forward! The only phrase in my head was, "the anchor holds." So, like any good Elementary Education major, I dug through my drawers and found an "anchor" T Shirt I bought for an ocean theme party for my nephew a few years ago!  As I thought about the last 9.5 years I thought it could be summed up by this, "the anchor holds."  I even bought an "Alex and Ani" look-a-like bracelet that had an anchor on it. The charm said "strength, refuse to sink." I liked the sentiment, refuse to let life's burdens weigh you down, leaving you unable to move! Then, I googled the words "the anchor holds" because I couldn't remember exactly where they came from.  It was a song arranged by Ray Boltz that I had probably heard often growing up. The lyrics go like this.....

I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea

By faith alone

Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me

The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn

I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds

In spite of the storm

I've had visions
I've had dreams

I've even held them in my hand

But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand

The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn

I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds

In spite of the storm

I have been young
But I am older now

And there has been beauty
These eyes have seen

But it was in the night

Through the storms of my life
Oh, that's where God proved
His love to me

The anchor holds
Though the ship's been battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn

I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

So then, in usual "Lisa fashion," I pondered and over pondered , the concept of an anchor and this is what I came up with.  If the anchor doesn't sink deep into the depth of the ocean it does nothing to keep the boat from floating off, far out to sea seemingly lost forever! Perhaps these dark trying times that allow us to see the depth of sorrow are the anchors that hold us from drifting forever out to sea?? That makes "refusing to sink" a worthless motto so I'm going to stick with the gist of the charm and refuse to let the trials of life bring me down! I will, instead, remember Jesus words to his disciples in the raging storm, when they feared their life; And he said to them, "Why are you afraid, you of little faith?"  Then he rose and rebuked the winds and the sea and there was a great calm." We don't have to sink, we have One who has done that for us! Hold on tight little, tossed boat! Have faith!

This weekend I "taught" my nephew how to hold my hands and propel up my legs to flip over!  He watched his sister do it.  I could tell it looked fun to him,  but he still wasn't sure. This is what popped into my head.  Our Heavenly Father may ask us to climb some pretty "steep mountains" as he holds our hands promising not to drop us.  At the top of the climb our lives may do a complete flip but God never lets go and we will eventually land  on our feet again if we don't let go of Him!!.  It may take us some time to readjust from being flipped upside down, and that's okay. My nephew is still unsure about the whole flipping over thing but he humors me so I could get pictures for my blog!

Big sister shows him how it is done!

but it was now or never for a picture!

Yes, I'm still in PJ's

 And, there you have it.  My random, disjointed thoughts and musings!

3, 474

I asked Siri,  "how many days has it been since February 1, 2005."  'Her' reply:

3,474 days
9 years 6 months, 6 days
496 weeks 2 days
9.51 years

And still every "crash" seems like the worst fatigue/fog I've ever had. Thankfully hubby is good at reminding me this is nothing new!!! It's just so hard to believe a human being can just live in such an exhausted state!! According to my "migraine/fatigue journal "  I keep for my neurologist I haven't had a "good day" since the beginning of May.  The entire summer has been complete "survival mode" with very little thriving, if the truth be told! The weather has not been ideal for this survivor.  It seemed the days are filled with intensely bright, glaring sun while the evenings are one thunderstorm after another.  So, navigating outside is a challenge even with those "granny sunglasses", you know those ones that have blinders on the sides and are enclosed on the top and bottom.  My poor sister is horrified that I own a pair.  K, I promise, I only wear them to drive!!!! Since brewing storms cause an annoying ache right down like line on my forehead where my skull was removed.  It even ached along the valve of my shunt that is a lump on the back of my head.  I traced it with my fingers trying to dull the pain and consequently had a panic attack that it felt different and was coming out of my head! Total panic, shaaking, couldn't breathe, sweaty, the whole deal!! My hubby felt it and it felt completely "normal" to him as he reminded me I was simply overtired and not thinking clearly. So it has been the annoying ache and constant panic reaction from the overstimulating sunlight all summer!!! July this month was especially horrid on me.  While talking to my job coach today, she was shocked and sad that I could fake just "carrying on with life" so well.  Life must go on and I try so hard not to bring everyone down with me! I'm not trying to be "fake" and if you made me stop for a second and tell you how I was really doing, I'd be happy to. "Carrying on" as normal is how I cope, it just has to be done!! It  is what is, there is no fix for Brain Injury and every single brain injury is different!!!.  My doctors explain that my blood tests indicate "normal" levels of needed hormones, but my damaged brain doesn't respond to them exactly as it should! So, I have the choice to live life with these limitations or to become a complete hermit and lessen the number of times I "crash." I simply choose to live within the often annoying limits, rather imperfectly, and deal with the crash when it comes! Today is the first day since the beginning of May that the fog has lifted a bit and I am enjoying a "good brain day," even if it means I will still need a nap after writing this!!! It is truly a gift from God as I have a renewed peace. Goodbye July, August please be kinder to me! Happy summer my friends! May all your days be "good brain days!" and if they aren't send me an email and I'd be happy to commiserate!

My garden is like Christmas in the summer, I forget what I planted until it blooms!! I even went so far as, asking my mom what plants she gave me that we planted together last year! Nope, a bulb I got at a plant sale with my hubby this year!!! What a lovely suprise when I needed a smile!

I unearthed a post looking for another draft..................

Here is my confession for today!  I dread "the struggles" that will come.  I like a safe, happy plan with a happy ending, every time!!! I will only read a book if I am promised it ends happy, without death or separation!! I'll confess I am the one who reads the end of the book before even beginning it, pathetic right?  Sometimes I even speed read right through the climax until things are resolved then I begin reading to understand again.  If you have ever watched a movie with me, I have undoubtedly cried in it.  I probably even cried when nobody else did and I probaly cried for longer than was actually "socially appropriate." It was always so embarassing to me when being the loving, sensitive person that I am couldn't even talk/will my ashamed, embarassed self to not cry to begin with.  Then I would replay the upsetting senerio in my head over and over again, which only led to more crying! Okay, you get the point! Let me tell you that sustaining a brain injury has only aggrivated this embarassing personality flaw.  Now I relate even deeper to the struggles and they remind me of my own! Before my aneurysm, I could at least identify where the emotions were coming from or why it touched me to the point of tears!  Now it may take me days to realize why I reacted so strongly! The Bible tells us there will be struggles and trails of many kinds.  I don't like this! I cringe every single time I read it, I cringe just typing about it! And, now the tears are welling in the corner of my eyes.  I would never want to "relive" those years of trial, ever! But I am glad for the lessons I have taken from them. I am thankful for knowing that no matter what God is soverign, He sees with a heavenly view what we can only see from an earthly one! He is using ALL things for our good and His glory.  But oh the pain, oh the struggle! Some of the dearest people to me right now are in the middle of great struggles.  Of medical diagnosis' that seem bleak, stress from work, families, or the realization that life isn't the plan they had in their head!  I am sad for them, I dread the journey for them. I want them to turn to God and be healed. I wish the road wasn't so hard. But it is, it just is! I love this video about RAIN. Someone gave it to my parents after my aneurysm so that some day I could watch it! So, as I sit here all caught up in sadness for my loved ones I am convicted that this isn't about me. Their journey is theirs, not mine though I am here whenever they need me! So, keep the faith my hurting friends. Cry out to Jesus, Cling to Jesus and live!!!!