Monday, December 6, 2010

My Life Without Me

Maybe it is just me that finds it funny; on TV, as I write this is ,"Rudolph and the Island of Misfit Toys"(that is kind of how I feel sometimes, like a 'misfit'). Anyway, I filled in at the library today and was shelving some DVDs when the title "My Life Without Me" caught my eye. It got me thinking that it was the perfect way to describe my early stages of recovery especially, though it still feels like this even 7+ years later!  I felt like I was living my life but without the girl I knew as 'me'. I used to be asked daily, "how is everything?" or "how are you feeling?". I'm not going to lie, I dreaded these questions. The answer was too complex and I felt like all people really wanted to hear was a "happy" answer. While I had so many things I was truly thankful for my real answer is "I am exhausted". I really wanted to say "I am so exhausted I don't even know how to answer your question". If I was asked this question in a crowded or noisy room, I had to restrain myself from just bolting out the door to a quiet, less confusing place. Most of the time I literally felt like a 'fly on the wall'. I felt like all I could do was watch life as it happened but always felt very removed from actually being a part of it. The pace of conversation and life in general was far too quick for me to process. Most of the time my way of coping was just a empty, blank stare hoping people would just ignore me and not try to engage a conversation of any kind. I am not sure if this has actually gotten better with time and medication, or if I have just learned to live with it, and have actually forgotten what it was like 'before'. I am also better at simply avoiding situations where it is very noisy and impossible to filter out extraneous distractions. Of course, these situations can't be avoided entirely so I often escape for brief moments of quiet! So, that is 'My Life Without Me'. I like how the song "Where I Belong" by Building 429 describes the feeling:"Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing, but am I alive??....."

1 comment:

d_hilty96 said...

Wow!!! I dont know how many times I have tried to explain to Dr.'s ,Theripists & even family that very feeling....I think...ok I know I didnt get it out like that cause they were all giving me the look like they were ready to put me in a straight jacket.I still have the feeling but have learned to function with it....LOL