Why the caged bird didn't sing

My devotions this week have been on control and anger. YIKES! Perhaps next week we will tackle, letting go. 

Growing up we were blessed enough to have horses.  But, horses eat hay.  Not just any hay but hay that has been well dried and never rained on.  This requires long stretches of hot, sunny days.   Now, I am heat intolerant and light sensitive with the whitest skin you've ever seen. Throwing hay requires long pants, and gloves. Forget the long sleeves, I just lived with hay prickled arms.  Hay was not exactly my favorite activity.  But, the thing I most disliked about it was that you could never make plans.  All summer our plans depended on whether or not there was hay down and ready to be baled.  I like a plan.  Perhaps that is one of the things I did like about teaching.  We always had a plan for the day.  Now mind you, I know I truly have no actual control.  Control is a lie.  

College:  That is when my terrible, unbearable, literally blinding migraines started.  So, life then became as uncertain as the migraines.  They popped up at the most inconvenient times. Will I make it to that final exam without one?  Can I make it home without loosing my vision? Substitute teaching was a nightmare on so many levels.  I was terrified of loosing my vision and having 20 kids I don't know to take care of.  Can they find a substitute for the substitute?? More uncertainty, more anxiety, panic attacks that went undiagnosed.  The beginning of a dangerous spiral that sabotaged relationships and stole away living.  

Marriage: both certainty and uncertainty.  I was certain that I married the right one.  I was 22 and obviously uncertain about being a wife, as in how to be one and not from the 19th century version.  Our entire relationship, previous to marriage, was long distance.  I never before saw the man I married on a daily basis. Just seeing each other every day was exciting.   We had a "plan." I was going to finish my Master's degree and obtain my permanent teaching certification while we got to know each other as newlyweds. I really wish I had this book back then. It's a book by Jim Burns titled,

" Doing Life With Your Adult Children: Keep your mouth shut & the welcome mat out."  It is everything I'd want to say in one title. So much hurt happened in those early years. I was told that I needed to withdraw from my Master's program, forget teaching, stay at home and have kids.  It was not a suggestion but a command.  What was probably intended in love was a selfish and unnecessary demand.    I believed that as a married couple we would finally be allowed the freedom to make our own decisions as husband and wife. Freedom to do what was right for our family.  We wanted a few years to just be married. We were so young and in no particular rush. It was not a matter of choosing one thing over another. We simply wanted some time and space for a few years! I wanted to make our way together, define us as a couple. Isn’t that what being a newlywed is all about? There is no way to sugar coat it, the commands given to us made me angry.  We were responsible, newly married adults. I had heard the words, "leave and cleave" uttered so many times that I actually believed it would be true. Oh, I always was a dreamer, thanks a lot Jane Austen (hehehe.)  I have also learned that I am a peace keeper not a peace maker.  And, believe me, there is a difference. When my brain had a filter, back in those days,  I just quietly and politely listened knowing my opinion would make no difference to anyone. I did not know how to establish healthy boundaries and allowed the hurt to continue.  Even to this day I have no idea what it would look like to be a peace maker in our situation. How I could have had peace and been at peace with those around me? I had always known the freedom to talk through things.  When that freedom was removed I had no idea what to do.  I was a caged bird, but my tune not heard. I simply had a different opinion. I only wanted to be truly heard. I wanted it to be okay that God had other plans for me.  I sensed it from an early age.  Im thankful I had a husband who heard and supported me when I had the courage to talk about it. 

Post aneurysm rupture living with a traumatic brain injury: These days, the chronic fatigue gets me.  The never knowing if I will wake up to a good day or an "unsafe,foggy" brain day.  I hate wondering if I'l have the energy to deal with the appointments and commitments I have made.  It's the not knowing, the feeling of spinning wildly out of control.  A favorite author recently did a devotion that really touched my heart.  Becky Wade, talked about the women carrying spices to Jesus' tomb.  Along they way they were rightfully concerned about who was going to move that stone so they could anoint Jesus.  When they got there God had already moved that rock.  All they were asked to do was bring the spices.  They brought the spices, the rest was not their concern.  Her point, just do what you can do. Bring to God what he asks you and let Him do the rest.  Keeping bringing those spices readers.  Maybe you are like me and the women with the spices.  I want to know all the details, have a foolproof plan and concern myself with it failing or letting someone down because I "didn't do it right." Just bring the spices!