Wednesday, September 3, 2014

the lost quote

"I thought that losing Sarah [insert your name here] was the worst thing that could happen”, she has realized, “There’s one thing that is worse and that would be to have never have had her in the first place.” - Jan Phelan (Sarah Burke's mom)

I am nothing if not persistent! Something triggered a memory of a quote I loved from Sarah Burke's mom.  I fixated on it for weeks now, unable to just "let it go!" So, after checking my email accounts, hundreds of blog posts, Facebook account and notes in my cell phone where I usually jot down "words put together in a way I love!" I found it today, 'THE QUOTE' [insert loud asending noise here] that was tucked in the back of my memory! It made me think about memories and how thankful I am to have them still. As I am typing away fast and furious, hubby looks up and risking a meltdown from me for interrupting my train of thought, asks ,"What ya workin' on?" I respond as nicely as I can "a quote", he follows with "oh boy, which one now?" I read it to him as he smirks and says "Wow, that was weeks ago." I'm glad he still has a sense of time!! It made me think of all my therapists trying to help me work through all of the "but I remember [insert anything I was trying to do]." You see, early on I confused a memory of doing something, as proof that I could still do it and just as well and easily as before. I always saw remembering as a blessing! The first time I met with the agency helping me "reenter" life, the specialist assigned to my case had a disability from birth.  The first thing he said to me, was that he had been born with his disability and he never knew any other way of living!  He looked at me and said "but you, you have both the blessing and curse of knowing life as a person without those particular struggles." Oh the tears, he got for saying that, they touched my heart in a special way! I'll still take the memories even if they now create a struggle at times. In the hospital at some point when I began to interact again, I recognized that what I had lived through was pretty incredible, eventhough, I had no capacity to understand people's reaction to reading my medical charts! Honestly, it scared me that people would make such a huge deal about how "lucky I am to even be alive." That is when I first started to realize what a blessing my memories were.  They were little treaures of who I was and what would shape me now!  I was amazed everytime I remembered words for things or a person's name or a childhood recollection. By amazed I mean, cried, every memory a tear that rolled down my cheeck locked away in my heart forever!!!! As much as I couldn't imagine what I lived through, losing memories seemed so much worse, I clung to them for all I was worth. They were the remaining pieces of me! Sometimes, I forget my personality has been altered. For example,  once a people person, I found being around people 24/7 energizing and I hated being alone at all!! Now, to survive, I need hours of alone time every day.   I know Jan Phelan was talking about her physical daughter but I just loved how she said it! Perhaps the language of grief and loss is a univeral language! Now this fragile, introvert must go and try to recover (yup, still crashing) from a late Friday night!

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