Here's my Broken Hallelujah

As I read, "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard, I feel like it could have easily been written about me. Poor, fearful "Much Afraid" dreading the journey with Sorrow and Suffering! There, I said it, in my "humanness" I absolutely dread it. I have been reminded of the "monuments" of God's goodness in my own miracle story though. Without these "monuments" I would easily be overtaken by the heaviness of my own heart for dear ones in the midst of trials! I am also reminded of God's sovereignty and that none of us, not one, is promised tomorrow!  I am that girl who flips to the end of a book to ensure a happy ending before I am willing to read it! Yup, that's me, pitiful 'Much Afraid' learning to cling to the Shepard trusting Him to give her what is best, always! And, I am also prone to bursting into tears (so I always carry tissues with me wherever I go, just in case.) 

         They are good teachers; indeed, I have few better. As for their names, I will tell them in your own language, and later you will learn what they are called in their own tongue. This,” said He, motioning toward the first of the silent figures, “is named Sorrow. And the other is her twin sister, Suffering."
         Poor Much-Afraid! Her cheeks blanched and she began to tremble from head to foot. She felt so like fainting that she clung to the Shepherd for support. “I can’t go with them,” she gasped. “I can’t! I can’t! O my Lord Shepherd, why do You do this to me? How can I travel in their company? It is more than I can bear. You tell me that the mountain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why, must You make Sorrow and Suffering my companions? Couldn’t you have given Joy and Peace to go with me, to strengthen me and encourage me and help me on the difficult way? I never thought You would do this to me!” And she burst into tears. -Hannah Hurnard Hinds' Feet on High Places

 I have often heard others speak of "survivor guilt" (feeling guilty for being alive while others have passed away.)  As a follower of Christ, I have never felt this way!  The Bible tells me in Psalm 139:16 "your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."  But tonight my human heart almost understands it. It is the closest I've ever come to wrestling with this phenomenon. My struggle quickly shifts to a sense of awe. I still have more work to do, there is no guilt when you believe God created you and continues to borrow you His breath!  God has graciously left me here; me, the quiet, shy, awkward being that I am. Often in the last 9 years I have been so occupied with "using my gift" that it hasn't always seemed like a gift. I never realized it until a wise therapist pointed it out.  Not sure why it took me so long to realize, it is not *my* story, it is God's story and he will use it for my good AND HIS GLORY.  I just need to be willing, and available! Only He can make me able! 

I can not even process the depth of grief felt by my dear friends who just *lost* their little boy!  Three months ago, he was diagnosed with an aggressive brain cancer.  This weekend they lay his earthly body to rest. Cancer did NOT win though. To the believer it never wins. God wins every time. Ben at a very young age asked Jesus into his heart and looks forward to the promise of heaven. Ben is being cared for by his heavenly Father who loves him more dearly than we here in this imperfect life could ever imagine, and trust me he was one loved little boy!! Ben beat us all home, safely home! If you would like to read their story and be encouraged by their faith check out BLUE4BEN. And, please keep this dear, dear family in your prayers!!

PS- if you are reading this from a Google+ post please know that I have absolutely NO idea how to use it yet, I'm still learning!!!! Please send all correspondence to the email address listed below this page, I promise I'm not ignoring you!!

These songs popped into my head yesterday and I had to share.......... 

GREAT I AM 
I wanna be close, close to Your side
So heaven is real and death is a lie
I wanna hear voices of angels above
Singing as one

Hallelujah, holy, holy
God Almighty, the great I am
Who is worthy, none beside Thee
God Almighty, the great I am...........

OR................

BROKEN HALLELUJAH
Even though I don't know what Your plan is
I know You make beauty from these ashes

I've seen joy and I've seen pain
And on my knees I call Your name
Here's my broken Hallelujah
With nothing left to hold onto
I raise these empty hands to You
Here's my broken
Here's my broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah......................