Sunday, December 29, 2013

My "Christmas confession"

"The wound will never heal, he[she] will carry it for the rest of his[her] life"

"They are neither living nor dead"

While attempting to watch "Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring" with my hubby these are my two favorite quotes! If you live with a brain injury you understand that watching a movie, that is 3+ hours is totally out of the question. After almost 9 years of healing I still can't focus that long and follow an unfamiliar story! So, I got about an hour and a half in before NOTHING processed anymore! This is progress over the 10 minute attention span (on a good day) I had early on in recovery!
So, how does this relate to Christmas??? Maybe, that story didn't but those two quotes sure do for me!  This year,  I tried to summon all my strength and "enjoy Christmas again." I admit mostly for my husband's sake as I still have that numb, glazed over feeling that comes with anything I know is going to be busy.  I made sugar cookies & frosting from scratch.  Normally, I buy the kind in a tube you just hack off and bake! Frosting??? What's that, it also comes in a container, right!  Cut, bake, frost, okay,  but sprinkles are really pushing it!!! This year I decided to try the "real" kind for my hubby, of course.  The first batch was "touch and go" at moments! But, I did it and they were even edible but, I should tell you my hubby will eat pretty much anything I have spent energy making.  I even tried cutting out shapes but abandoned the effort after a near melt down......too many steps to have them not look like their intended shape!! I may have threatened to throw them out the back door! Baby steps!!!!
The quotes, Lisa, the quotes......................Christmas season (like November to January) I have that feeling like I am neither living nor dead.  Merely, a fly on the wall taking it all in, ALL the BUSY!  I dread even leaving the house for necessary groceries! Christmas shop?  I don't think so! I Christmas order!!! No matter how well the rest of the year goes or doesn't go, it is always Christmas time that reminds me of  "the wound that will never heal, the one I will carry with me for the rest of my life." The TBI with all it exhaustion, confusion, frustration and more EXHAUSTION! But, I survived another Christmas.  With some help I planned for, shopped for and cooked for 10 people (hubby's side)!  Four under the age of seven!!  I survived that chaos too! Then, the next day, was my scheduled day for working at the library and nobody was going to take that shift for me.  The day after Christmas when the library was closed for the previous two days!  I survived that too, though it wasn't easy and I took some drugs to help me be able to stay calm, and think better!  I took a break and laid down after eating a snack too!  The next day, my supervisor was desperate(like months ago) and asked if I would cover just for an hour.  So, still not being able to say "no" when I should, I was there the next morning but thankfully it was insanely quiet so I survived that too!  Although, it meant missing an extended family (my side)celebration that I REALLY wanted to go to. Realistically, even if I wasn't working, traveling 5 hours was pushing me past my limits, anyway(no matter how badly I wanted to be there!) I hate that it has come down to merely surviving it but that is life's reality, still.  So, here is my Christmas confession: I'm glad it's over! I'm thankful for the warm memories (most of them, anyway) and I'm happy to have it all a mere blurry memory, now!! I'm truly not a Grinch, I just get easily overwhelmed!! I'd have all the decorations cluttering up my house packed away, if it weren't for my Christmas loving hubby.  We compromised and I will leave them up until the New  Year then they are fair game for finding their way back up into the attic!!!!!!!
Christmas confession: I'm smiling because it's almost over!


Shelby 2.0 said...

So glad that you survived your Christmas. This year I decided that I wasn't going to put myself through that again, and we had an extremely quiet Christmas at home. It went very well, no melt downs, no exhaustion, but I still needed a week to recover just from the change in schedule. I think Next year, I will give Christmas out in the world with other people another try, I figure I will need a week vacation, no matter what I do, lol.. might as well enjoy it with family. hugs to you. and Happy holidays.

Anonymous said...

Feel better!

Happy New Year!

Nan and Ellen