Peter Pan- living quote

This quote spoke to me as I have been sick and helping hubby measure for his shop and feel like I'm barely surviving at the moment!

"To live would be an awfully BIG adventure!" Why yes, it sure is!

Blessed are.....

The "crack" in my head

      Bear with me as I obsess over my new favorite quote and attempt to blend a post I never published into this one post, "Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light."  I'm sure it is obvious why this made me smile.  For starters, if you ran a finger down the right side of my forehead you can literally feel a "crack" where my skull was removed and replaced. Cracked things go back together and can look pretty "normal" once pieced back together but no matter how well you adhere it it never is exactly the same as it was before the crack. And, the nerves along this crack never heal exactly the same and have a way of reminding you they have been cut.  It is this funny tingle/water running down your face feeling even as I type this!!! March is[now WAS] Brain Injury Awareness Month (Ooops...it's now May, oh well it "fell through the cracks").  So, no matter how normal I look or act at times the crack is still there. It is a struggle to 'hold it all together.' I feel the crack every single day. However, I am determined that my crack/TBI/aneurysm also lets in light. It allows me time and space to take life at a slower pace and forces me to trust God daily in everything.
 Matthew 5:16 says,"Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.
     Blessed are the cracked, even if they aren't using their college degree?? Can you tell which struggle I l am still working through?? Perhaps it is one of the 'hazzards' of going to a small, private, highly esteemed college. Whenever I am talking to anyone with a connection to the college, the first question in polite conversation is usually, "So, how are you using your degree?" I can read our alumni milieu and learn of all the amazing things that fellow graduates are doing. I am truly amazed at their accomplishments and how God is using them in some pretty amazing ways.  In college, I was wound pretty tight. I stressed about everything. Our little school seemed to foster this personality so I fit right in! When you spend the kind of money my parents funded for a first rate education it is sort of expected you will go on to get a good job or dedicate your life to mission work in far off lands. I never considered that my education would instead, be the building block to relearning how to walk, talk, read, write, cook and just about everything for daily living.  I expected to finish my masters degree while I substitute taught then find a teaching job. You see when you give your life to Christ at an early age and seek to live your life accordingly you are not promised the life you saw for yourself.  He knows what is better even when it really disrupts your vision.  So, you may not see my story in our little Milieu but I promise you I am using my degree every day, God's way! I haven't mastered scholar servanthood yet.  I most likely won't be asked to speak at chapel or featured as a "success story" but that's okay.  I'll just continue plugging away in my quiet little life and cheer on my fellow graduates, those who's story about how they use their degree is much more impressive than mine! Here's to those using their degree in "less visible" ways! If we are surrendered to God's will, then isn't that exactly where we were taught to be? 

She wondered, "Is there a cloaking device I am unaware of"

Insignificant, what a nasty little word!  What a monster it is to feel though! It's roots run deep and it's branches plentiful! Do you ever wrestle with this word? Do you ever feel it? Being painfully shy growing up is when I probably began to wrestle with it. "Relationships" along the way only seemed to justify the lie and destroyed my peace because I believed I would never be any one's first choice (until I met my hubs, of course.) I was always the girl without a date(okay, except for junior prom when a good friend knew my shy, sheltered ways and took pity on me figuring I had written the experience off. He asked me so 'I wouldn't miss out on such a milestone/memory in life' ), the one nobody thought/dared to invite. I was convinced I was invisible to everyone. Eventually, there was nothing you could do or say to convince me otherwise until my hubs managed to. I was shy, scared, sassy and believed a lot of silly lies! In college, I was determined to change this. But let's face it, I was just shy. Being outgoing and confident was very awkward and uncomfortable and just seemed like another lie!

The Lord has been working on my heart the last few months.  For some reason I really wrestled with it, this notion of insignificance!  Perhaps the combination of the hubs being gone so much with work obligations, big decisions needing to be made, and just a general brain fog/crash that seemed to cling on for dear life! Now if you know me or have ever read my blog you are probably asking yourself, how in the world could I ever struggle with this??? I mean God thought me significant enough to die on a cross for me.  He used a shy, rather insecure, awkward girl to give an amazing story to (remember the story of Moses arguing with God at the burning bush??) Thank you Lord for using the "unlikely ones." My story cannot be explained outside of His Grace and Healing!  It is obvious if you know me that it is Christ who has carried me through because that nervous, anxious, neurotic, fearful girl you knew sure would not have been able to carry on alone (and having an amazing hubs also helps)!

So I like everyone wrestle with pride and the desire to do big things with the story you have been given. I have always been a compassionate, people person.  Helping others from my experience is what I love to do!! Perhaps, that is why I chose the field of teaching?? So, I have been learning to daily surrender pride that feels like a failure because "nobody notices or wants my help aka--> I'm not good enough or too annoying" I am too hard on myself when I simply can't keep up now or when I don't feel like an intelligent person because the recall and processing is so much slower than I remember it to be!  Silly, silly girl, it is all there it just needs to be accessed differently. A new key made for every single file (that will surely take a lifetime).

Our women's conference at church had a whole session on getting "Untangled" from this very thing and recognizing your "Truly Significant Life." Um mm, it is no coincidence that the topic 'just happened' to be that. After relocating churches several years ago,time and time again my struggles have been met with truth in a practical way, and my soul heals just a little bit! So, do you get tangled in this lie?? Consider the advice of, Donna Jones, our speaker:
1. I get tangled if I derive my significance from my performance.
2. I get tangled if I derive my significance from position.
3. I get tangled if I derive my significance from appearance.
4. I GET UNTANGLED WHEN I DERIVE MY SIGNIFICANCE FROM God AND HOW He SEES ME

Happy untangling and don't forget to notice others and serve them which ultimately provides the only true significance. It is NOT who asks you to speak again or if the story you submitted is chosen.   Significance doesn't even mean 'visibly using your college degree in a chosen prefession'(but that is another blog for another day, the draft is being worked on so it says exactly what it is intended and not a bitter rant) Significance is surrendering to God's will and working there as he equips you! Then, one day it is the little things that begin to make you smile; like a friend saying she doesn't think she could handle the brain injury journey without someone who "gets it", having your photos used on a flyer, or having someone call you their "TiTi"(auntie)and your heart stops hearing the lies and remembers you are truly and deeply significant, right where you are! Just today, the Lord brought this story to my mind and I searched ALL morning, hoping I had posted it like I thought I probably did!

"Only one life 'twill soon be past, only what's done for Christ will last."- CT Studd

Here is the story again from the "Streams in the Desert" devotional.............

"A story is told of a king who went into his garden one morning, and found everything withered and dying. He asked the oak that stood near the gate what the trouble was. He found it was sick of life and determined to die because it was not tall and beautiful like the pine. The pine was all out of heart because it could not bear grapes, like the vine. The vine was going to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and have as fine fruit as the peach tree. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall and fragrant like the lilac.

And so on all through the garden. Coming to a heart's-ease, he found its bright face lifted as cheery as ever. "Well, heart's-ease, I'm glad, amidst all this discouragement, to find one brave little flower. You do not seem to be the least disheartened." "No, I am not of much account, but I thought that if you wanted an oak, or a pine, or a peach tree, or a lilac, you would have planted one; but as I knew you wanted a heart's-ease, I am determined to be the best little heart's-ease that I can."

Others may do a greater work,
But you have your part to do;
And no one in all God's heritage
Can do it so well as you."          

Why I don't get out much!

This is my best attempt at explaining how a brain injury feels like, every single day!  This image feels like the inner-workings of my brain. Constantly a million things going on, new connections trying to be made. Lights are flashing the escalator just keeps running and the alarm, well it just continues to scream.  Now carry on as usual with all this going on in your head! Have a coherent, meaningful conversation. Try getting dinner ready with all the steps involved. Someone please, please turn off that alarm I can't tune out.  Now don't forget to put on shoes as you run out the door totally overloaded and utterly exhausted!!

10 years, a few days late

February 1 has come and gone. With an angiogram the next day I didn't have the courage or the energy to post or reflect on anything. I'll 'blame' my Elementary Education major on my need to reflect on everything since we wrote a 'reflection paper' for every single thing we did!! The procedure took a lot out of me and my brain has felt on overload ever since! A friend of mine recently told me of a phrase she repeats to herself to avoid a "panic reaction" to this overload. She says, "I'm not stressed, I'm just busy!" Thank you L.P. for your words of wisdom! So, no words of profound wisdom to impart with you. The word that keeps coming to my mind is the word "thrive." So at the ten year mark with a clear angiogram my goal is simply to, "thrive more." This may mean my saying "no" to a few things, please understand it isn't personal and I will still have days where I am "just trying to survive!" This is a brain injury reality! So I leave you with the YouTube video I made a few years ago for those 'new friends' I have in the 'cyber-world!'  And, if you like the music check out the band The Strange Familiar. I wrote the lead singer and asked her for permission to put their song on my video. She graciously responded and granted it to me! I like to acknowledge acts of awesome! Thank you K.L.A and The Strange Familiar.  Even the name of the bands so perfectly sums up what it feels like every.single.day. And to my dear friend M.M., please note the wheelchair as the mode of transportation FOR A SEASON.   WOW, I am so blessed!!!!

But it's a happy limp

Yesterday ,I had an angiogram almost to the day of the 10th anniversary of my aneurysm rupture! It's a big deal at our house! I even got a dozen roses!!!! Today I "gimp" around since a catheter was placed in my femeral artery for the procedure.  No lifting for a week. No driving until tomorrow! What is a girl to do but read and nap?? I picked a great day for it too since we got about a foot of snow. No snow removal this time!!
The results: great!  My neurosurgeon says everything looks great and my bypass is open once again/still ! Actually, I remember at one point in the procedure them telling me to hold my breath, no coughing or swallowing so they could inject dye.  The dye is warm as it enters the bloodstream and you can feel where it is going.  The dye was injected and I could literally feel it surging through my bypass, down past my ear.  When they told me to breathe again I said, "well, the bypass is open." The doctor/fellow doing the procedure confirmed it.  I am so thankful for "happy drugs" and praising the Lord for some good news, because let me tell you, I really needed some!

The bracelet my sister gave me for Christmas helped me to be brave and remember all the Lord had already delivered me through. And. of course the Jeep that hubby gave me painted with actual touch-up paint from my old Jeep!

A "world weary lamb"

Tomorrow, February 1, 2015 marks 10 years since "the day that changed it all" or some would just say my "Annie"versary. Ten years since my first aneurysm ruptured suddenly filling my head with blood. Ten years of stumping the medical world! I have no words of wisdom to impart to you, I'm simply going to ramble because my brain has been fried by a birthday party for a special 7 year old (Hubby's side).

When I sit here in my current fried state my first thought should probably be: STOP just sit staring blankly into space! But, I'm going to type the wild gibberish swirling in my head. So when I think about my survival, that is the word I would use to sum it up.  The plain truth is most days I am simply trying to survive.  This Christmas season was particularly brutal with the death of a dear uncle. If I can just survive until Christmas.  Survival means I can attend one service not all of them with the rest of my family. I survived and my very next thought was, "If I can just survive Christmas." Christmas day came.  I had my mom help me with setting timers on my phone to put each item of food in the oven, yup survival!! Hubby woke up with some version of the flu, Christmas Day at our house was cancelled since nobody wanted to catch it. But, that just meant I had to "survive" celebrations another day! Not to mention "surviving" hubby being sick. If you know me, you know I was right behind him to disinfect anything he touched,....... I mean, I lovingly took care of him like a good wife would! Of course, I tried to do both because, I am me!!

Hubby had a one week training course for work in TX last week.  I thought, "If I can just survive the week then....." There is never a then. Then is just the next thing to survive. Of course, it is the end of January in the northeast so naturally there would be a blizzard predicted. SURVIVE. I did survive and I even proved to myself that I was capable of plowing out our driveway, with a tractor! Yup, that blizzard dumped a good 3 inches of snow!

So, for the first ten years, it's been survival for this survivor! Maybe the next ten years will be thriving! Don't get me wrong, this has always been the goal but reality has been surviving with moments of thriving like when I was asked to speak at a conference or participate in a walk with other survivors of all kinds! These moments have made me feel like I was thriving!  I will cling to those moments and end this post as blogspot is not cooperating with me like I think it should!

Please pray as Monday I have a 10 year followup angiogram just to make sure the clips are holding and blood is flowing as it should! Oh, the dread of the procedure!  Grace, just enough, just when you need it!