I never used to make a "New Year Resolution" mostly because "everybody does it, and nobody really follows it anyway". But, this December has really taken a toll on my energy levels and has left me feeling defeated and exhausted with little left to give! I hate this feeling and I am trying to find a better balance, somehow! December has brought so many heartbreaking, nail biting moments! It began with the sudden death of a beautiful young friend. My heart is still breaking for her family and friends! We used to try to have a sense of humor about all the strange "functions of the brain that nobody could explain". I have a hard time accepting it at 33, she was 17! Then brought, life threatening tachycardia on one of my most dear, best friends! My heart ached for her, her husband and her two young boys! She ended up traveling to NYC for a second opinion and doctors were able to ablate a dangerous rhythm in her heart. She is now home recovering and I long to just hang out and spend time with her instead of "crashing" in utter fatigue. Then, there are dear, dear family members facing serious illnesses of their own.....and my heart aches!! I have also been struggling with migraine auras again that cause temporary vision loss. I have gotten them since I was 18 but, of course, they scare me more than ever. So, I struggle every day with this "fear" of getting another one, it is exhausting! I feel like there is a war waging beyond this earthly realm, this scares me too! Please pray, if you are so inclined! Meanwhile, I try to "live life" and go to appointments or short work shifts I have agreed to because I hate giving my word and backing out! I know everyone would understand....eventually! So, with Christmas behind me (and all the craziness it alone brings) here is my "New Year Resolution" and, since I will forget it the moment someone says, "Can you..............." please hold me accountable to this simple sentence:
“No" is a complete sentence.” ― Anne Lamott
PS- this does not include those moments when you have calculated the exhaustion and deemed it worth it anyway, because these moments are just life's reality! I am only talking about extra things that I could say no to instead of saying yes out of guilt or a desire to do it even though it isn't necessary (like grocery shopping just because the list is long, or filling in at the library when and extra person isn't truly necessary).
So continues this journey to accept and live by these new limits whether people understand it or accept it, it seems to be here to stay. My neurosurgeon reminded me of this very fact this week. At this point in recovery it probably is what it is, for good! So, instead of striving to make it different, it is what it is. It is not the picture in my head almost 8 years ago. Clearly my "plan" was not God's plan for me and His is always better! So, I will continue to count my blessings and try to move forward making the best of 'what is now'. HAPPY NEW YEAR, thank you Lord for giving us another year!
PS- Happy Birthday Christine!!!