Tuesday, November 15, 2011

GGGGGGggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.....

As my good friend Mer would say, "GGGGgrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" to this past week.  I gotta say I am just so tired of trying to talk people into doing their job.   Getting medical records sent to a new office has turned into an ongoing nightmare.  Now I am just so fixated on getting them ALL to the new doctor I won't give in!  I think you could just say my name in any doctor office and they will cring, but, I am determined that my records WILL get to the new office.  The whole process has left me so exhausted and burned out I should probably just give up on it but,alas I am me, so I won't. I have lived through two ruptured brain aneurysms, a stroke and live with a TBI, JUST SEND MY RECORDS ALREADY!! Seriously, I am so sick of getting that "you're a neurotic, crazy person" look!! I get really, really sensitive about this(except in the company of friends and family who will love me "just the way I am")!! I don't like being this way BUT this is what I have been driven to!

I am all worked up about my records and a story about Rep. Gabrielle Giffords comes on the TV and suddenly my petty problem doesn't seem so big.  It reminds me of my own recovery and I begin to cry.  It hits a soft spot that has still not healed, and it may never. I think it will always "hit too close to home".  In her story 'Gabby' talks about how doctors only allowed her to know small pieces of her story at a time.  That is how they did it for me too.  When I woke up, my family simply told me I was "in a car accident".  I was so confused about why I had no memory of it! Then at some point the doctors told me I had a ruptured brain aneurysm.  My family wasn't sure how I would react and wanted a doctor there when I was told. I was on so many drugs and was so confused that I just said "ok", and that was that.  Then, they sent me to rehab where I was told, "you have a brain injury".  I then first witnessed people literally "flipping out" over the fact that I was alive.  I think that even 6 years later I am only slowly beginning to grasp it.  Perhaps I will never grasp it and that's okay.  I do need to work on accepting what I lived through, and the reality that my limits are different now!! I look fine and actually usually function somewhat "normally" so it isn't always easy to 'believe' how hard it is for me to carry on and 'just live life'. The one thing a regret a little now is that I didn't 'let' anyone take many pictures or videos of my therapy/recovery.  At the time, I just thought it was so awful that I didn't want any documented reminders of it.  I could not imagine that there would ever be a time when I would want to share it or look back myself.  In my head, it was just SO terrible it should never have to be revisited!!! Now though, I watch 'Gabby Gibbons' and Bob Woodruff's stories and how they have helped others understand recovery better and I am thankful they didn't have my "short-sightedness". They actually let/encouraged their recovery be documented!  I am thankful for the pieces that my family was able to slip by me and I will continue to write about my recovery or what I remember or have been told in an effort to reach those who so desperately just need someone to relate to, who has been there, and struggled with that too!!

1 comment:

Caregiver said...

We love you and know how you feel. Please call me if I can help with any of this, or go shopping with you for the holidays. I think two heads and four hands make the load a little lighter. You are doing great. Keep writing this blog. So many of us need to hear it. Hug Gin