FOMO is back

 New York Magazine cover states that "FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out)" is back.  As the world starts to open back up I find my own anxiety creeping back in.  My neck constantly creeping up to my ears, fatigue a never failing friend and migraine auras back on the rise.  As a person who has had to choose to miss out on things, for the last 16 years for her own mental and physical health, the cancelled activities were refreshing in many ways.  The guilt over not being there gone.  Sure I hated the reason for it.  The sickness, fear, death, pandemic. But perhaps I am more of an introvert than I care to admit.  I enjoyed the social distancing, not hugging, hand washing/sanitizing (which I was always fanatical about anyway.)  I enjoyed less running around to appointments and instead having 'telehealth visits' in my living room. I always thought it was silly all the appointments I went to that could be easily taken care of without the need for me to run here and there! Everyone was now talking about a "new normal." To me it was just "again." I think at first people had a bit more compassion for what recovery looked like. And then the "Covid fatigue" hit them.  Yup people, it is exhausting every single day still.   Covid may one day no longer be a thing but there won't be a day this side of heaven that I won't live every day with an Acquired Brain Injury as my new normal.  I may fake it pretty well and make it look 'easy' but I assure you no matter what you see or choose to see, the struggle is still very real. It might not look exactly like your injury does.   Maybe even more exhausting now because the 'already exhausting' has a new layer to it.  During all of this I found a world renown concussion doctor via Instagram.  He had a lot of great insight and really seemed to "get it," so out of desperation, I wrote him about doctors in my area he would recommend.  His rely to me was something like, 'your recovery is going to be profoundly different than a concussion and treatment very different.' Thank you doctor for seeing me as an individual. Thank you for recognizing that each of us has a unique journey and while we share similar struggles it may actually be profoundly different.  Yours may not look like mine.  You may have hated the lonely isolation, the cancelled activities, your only outlet. It's okay, it is your journey, not mine. But I'll come along side you (at a distance of 6 feet, of course), if you need me. 

All of the social distacing and isolation from others does not, however, make the deeps hurts before magically disappear. Mother Teresa once said, "Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway." Before my aneurysm I was a "peacekeeper" NOT a 'peacemaker' like I should have been, a "people pleaser" that hated confrontation. I felt very uncomfortable with no nonsense, gruff , military like personalities.  Being an off- the-charts highly sensitive person, I was used to a softer more sensitive approach to life. When I didn't agree,  the people around me listened and we had polite discussions.  I did not find much of this approach to life after graduating from college.   I took things too personally and had no "coping device" like those around me for this new environment.  So as you can imagine, I naturally felt largely unheard and misunderstood.  To keep the peace for a number of years I just went along with it trying to justify ri myself why I must be wrong.  I tried to act unaffected and "fine."  It was only my hubby I trusted enough to know the truth. And by the time I was brave enough too share, the hurt and uncomfortable feelings I felt, it seemed too late.  He had a lifetime of developing coping skills of listening but not taking things too seriously and then simply living his life mostly unaffected.  The other noted approach was to just laugh everything off and also go along my own way. These don't develop over night, andd neither of them were for me! What did happen in a matter of seconds was an aneurysm that flooded my head with blood and did some serious damage.  My filter was gone just like that. I started to disagree. I started to share opinions I never would have before. They came out with much less tact and Grace than they would have if I shared them to begin with.  In a recent devotion the title was "Hurt people,Hurt people." GUILTY! I carried a whole lot of hurt. I didn't mean to hurt others but it did. What was hurt was judged by others as hate. I have wrestled with this for over a year now, given it to Jesus and known in my heart it wasn't hate. I have wept and felt depressed. I have avoided people and witheld affection because I just couldn't be 'fake' any longer.  It was being uncomfortable. It was diagreeing without being heard. It was even grief.  Grief over the loss of independance. Being a married adult still being told constantly what to do and how to do it. Constantly being judged. Being told what was in my heart. When I was accused of 'being happy someone suffered a misfortune,' it cut deep and still does. Sure I had disagreeded with this person and their personality made me unusually uncomfortable and uptight. I even called the accuser the next day to clear the air.  Give them a chance to tell me they didn't really think I was such a monster that I could truly be happy about anyone's misfortune.  Sadly, the accuser stood by their accusation and has ever since.  Of course, I still hear things like, "you are such a sweetheart. We love you. We miss you." Really? I can't accept these things also knowing that they believe me capable of such inhumane things.  As a best friend told me, anyone who has spent five minutes with me would never believe that of me.  They would wonder why I was so upset and saying uncharacteristic things and recognize it did not come from hate but from hurt, very deep and personal hurt. "Sweet friend" she said, "you are not that monster and it is going way too far to believe that of you or, anyone with a heart for that matter."  My therapist saw through it right away and asked me if the accuser was mad at me.  At the time, I said that I was pretty sure they were not, now I think that they too were hurt that I didn't agree with someone they profoundly agreed with  unquestionably. If they said or thought it, it was truth. There was absolutely no room for someone saying, "It doesn't have to be that way!"

So, I conclude this with other wisdom from Mother Teresa and confess it is easier said than done......

Mother Teresa's Anyway Poem (slightly revised)

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
It was never between you and them anyway.