confession of the day................

Confession today: I don't even have the mental stamina to change the sheets on my bed!  After thinking I had the short side and long side figured out, it would get down to the last corner when another would pop off.  I then took it all apart and tried to turn it 90 degrees. Last corner...POP. So rip and repeat, a few more times. Now my brain is so tired I'm not even really sure the fitted on goes on the bottom any more! Stop, lay down, get a drink of water and come back to it!  Finally success, I think! We will see tonight when we go to crawl in tonight! I had other errands I could run today, but the sun is blazing so brightly I don't dare leave my house for the over stimulating experience of driving to an overstimulating store. So the errands will wait until some brain fog passes a bit! Have a wonderful week!!!! I'm going to nap.......SLEEPING!

This about sums it up!  Thanks Buddy for making me smile, you silly dog!

World Series

How do I pick who to root for in the World Series (baseball, finally got that straight???) Um, well, my strategy is very complicated........ 1. Red is my favorite color 2. I LOVE socks! There you have it; I'm a very sophisticated fan.  Okay, and the hubby is rooting for them, good choice babe!!

LETS GO...................

Quote about letting go........

I just finished "Once Upon a Prince" by Rachel Hauck.  If you know me/knew me/or are any good at "reading between the lines" of my posts you will know why this quote spoke to me......

"When she forgot herself, [she] was most beautiful. Because she laughed freely, spoke openly. Far too often she treaded with caution, peering at life with timidity. Afraid to let go."

He is truly my perfect match!!!

Thoughts about leaves on life

      So normally, I am not really a lover of nature but being married to an outdoor man, I try to like it or at least tolerate it when I can. But fall, I love fall!! Even outside moments like apple picking, I love apples!! Okay, here is my confession though; I really love apple picking pictures the most! This year is the first time since my aneurysm/TBI that I have actually even cared remotely about the leaves changing again, instead of the fatigued "brain injured numbness toward everything." Or, as E.E. Cummings once was quoted saying, “unbeing dead, isn't being alive.” But fall, I love the fall. Chilly, not hot or freezing cold (an indecisive season). Hoodies and a favorite pair of jeans, a little closer to "alive;" just a little!! I have been trying to sort my house too, less things = less brain fog!!

     Usually,  I wouldn't pick up fallen leaves just because they were pretty. But, a few of them just spoke to me this year and seemed too pretty to just rake into the woods. In a weak moment, I picked them up and put them in paper under a heavy book to dry and maybe dip in wax to preserve then hang them from fishing line in my kitchen window as a fall decoration. A decoration, that I will get sick of quickly and toss in an effort to again reduce visual clutter, a vicious cycle, isn't it?? As I put them in the paper to press, I noticed something. These leaves were still "changing." Each of them, indecisive and unsure. Two colors, not one firm solid one. Welcome to my life now little leaves.  Even the simplest decisions, are now seemingly impossible to make.  Am I hungry? What do I want to eat? Should I wear short sleeves or long? Do I want chocolate or vanilla?? I never know.............so frustrating on a daily basis. So, I just pick the first one I see or am offered! Hey, at least I have a coping strategy, right?
   On a larger scale each of those leaves is stuck in transition! Maybe this is why I just had to pick them up. Maybe I could relate, indecisive and longing to transform from this state to something more beautiful? But, what is that?? How do you maintain sanity while fulfilling our destiny?? Is yellow thriving or is it red that is thriving, should you just stay a "safe green"?? What is red? what is yellow? I'm refusing to just stay 'green', clinging to the "safe" choice as I always have, never transforming into the more beautiful. I'm asking, "Lord, where do you need me most." I know I feel most "alive" helping others. The moments I almost thought I could be alive were those advocating for others or speaking to others, educating/teaching them or spreading awareness! So, like the leaves, I am still transforming; waiting for clarity. Or, as Michael W. Smith would say "[I'm] Looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find, My place in this world." So, what color will it be, waiting for the right doors to clearly open. Until then, it's going to be making the most of the hard transition, but I get discouraged sometimes so I'll just look at my pretty leaves; hoping for a little help deciding what color to become!!

My favorite one!

a quick THANK YOU

I'd like to take a moment to thank S.B. for your comment on my blog post!  I was feeling very discouraged the past several days and pleading with the Lord for encouragement in any form!! Your comment, was the answer to that prayer.  I know that sometimes it is just nice to hear that 'somebody noticed'! So again,  THANK YOU!

Trapped Again

       I hope this post finds nobody who can relate, but I know someone will.  Most days I far exceed any body's expectations of me (well except my own).  While other days, I simply feel trapped inside this damaged head of mine with no way out! Yesterday was a "trapped" day.  Let me start by telling you fatigue was definitely part of the equation.  My hubby was out of town for work Monday-Wednesday and I never sleep that well without him there! Even our two dogs are on high alert all the time without him.  So, when I got to work on Thursday morning my brain was already "foggy," at best!  The shift the night before decided they would shelve books the way they like instead of exactly the way we do it in the morning.  Only slight differences but still enough to throw me off. So, after some quick rearranging I felt more capable of being proficient at my job with minimal extra energy! I knew I was in "survival mode" and had determined not to chat with anyone unless absolutely necessary.  The morning was steady, not insane but there were constant interruptions, question, phones, patrons.  This is still hard for me on a good day but I was determined I would stick it out for my four hour shift, taking breaks of course!!! I ran into a question that needed a judgement call  I was not willing to make about a cracked CD.  I went to the back office to find my supervisor. She gave me an answer and proceeded to list the steps to take.  It sounded familiar enough and I wasn't able to process it all right away so I repeated the steps I heard her say and agreed to follow them. I walked back to my desk station, repeating the steps to myself until I had a pen and piece of paper to write them down(short term memory strategy, I am religious about using them). Now, standing in front of my computer I got step one but then I couldn't find the icon I thought I needed to complete step two.  I asked the lady on the desk with me and I probably started in the middle of a thought when I asked her for help. She in not computer savoy and could not immediately help me. So, to make my long story short, after pulling out our desk manual (her idea not mine, the desk manual is like a recipe book; no good, too many lengthy explanations of steps. I was going to ask a librarian to show me) neither of us could figure out how to mark this item as damaged the correct way.  She kept asking me questions and I kept answering them just to stop the questions from continuing to come.  I knew I wasn't explaining myself clearly.  I knew what I wanted to do but felt 'trapped', unable to effectively communicate it.  Now, I am annoyed and frustrated almost to tears but determined not to let it get the best of me! I decided to walk away from the desk and take a deep breath in the quiet back room to regroup before a panic attack came over me. After regrouping I found someone else who was able to understand what I was wanting to do and she helped me take care of it correctly!! All this to say, I hate the feeling of being trapped inside my broken, disconnected brain, unable to get the right words out in the right order to be understood!

What about the road you never ever, ever wanted to travel?

"Never mind the “road less traveled.”

What about the road you never ever, ever wanted to travel?" -Rosemary Rawlins

Even the most loving and supportive family and friends fail to "get it" from time to time. Sometimes their own agendas and pressures cause them to push you 'too far'.  I always struggle with this.  First, I have a huge heart and would love to help anytime I possibly can, making the answer, "I'm sorry, I just can't" a very hard phrase for me.  Then, when I finally do admit my limits and boundaries, I am left feeling guilty.  Thus the second struggle, when is it good to stretch past my comfort zone and when do I simply have to say "no" and accept that without guilt?? Sometimes others fail to realize the reality of the insane fatigue.  Or, do they understand and I am simply too sensitive about it? Life is such a delicate balancing act of carefully planning in order to survive the constant daily "unknown".  What I mean is this, if I commit to doing something I carefully plan my week accordingly.  I must plan for a slow day both before and after a busy one.  Even with careful planning some days are, simply put, bad ones.  The brain fog comes and goes as it pleases.  This is why I work one little morning a week.  It seems survivable now even on a bad day.  I can drag myself the 10 minutes on back roads to the library.  I can take frequent brakes and limit the amount I talk to people around me! This is my strategy to survive it at all. I know that people probably think I am "being a baby" but they don't live in my head every day.  So, here I sit frustrated by my guilt for simply drawing a line and not being willing to suffer another terrible "brain crash" by being busy on four consecutive days.  Even if, in a perfect situation, I do get a nap; it won't fix all the overstimulating busy and there will still be the days of 'cloudy with a chance of migraine', no thank you! Please, if I decline just accept it without seeming aggravated or annoyed! Please advocate for me when I loose my nerve and cave to the perceived pressures around me! My big heart will win every time and then we all loose.  I am left with the shell of me plagued by insane fatigue and brain fog, paired with nausea from the crazy fatigue, and the "tightest neck muscles" a massage therapist has ever felt! And, everyone around me is left with a quiet, antisocial girl unable to tolerate even the slightest demands on her!

On another note here is a blog I worked on weeks ago and never "published":

I am up at camp with my hubby against my will since I really love the modern conveniences that civilization provides. I unashamedly love running water, electricity, hot showers, Internet access, phone service and close stores for forgotten items. However, I do not miss the constant annoying noise of a television that is, in my opinion, WAY TOO LOUD! With all of this being said I finished the book I had been reading, Edenbrooke by Julianne Donaldson. It was the most lovely, enchanting book I can remember reading since my aneurysm! After finishing I had that feeling of being a little disappointed it ended! I was not ready to shift gears and start another book so I ventured off alone to take a walk with my camera! As I was walking, the sound of a running brook stopped me in my tracks. All of the sudden, I was 18, a freshman at college, and homesick. Usually, fall makes me long for those days, to pack up and head back to college! This college I long to head back to is only made up of all the happy moments and good memories. Hearing that brook today brought me back to the less than wonderful moments of stress when I would walk to this little brook behind the dorm I lived in! I used to go here to pray and clear my head amongst the inevitable drama and decisions and hours of uncertain study! I had no idea what I wanted to be or do for the rest of my life and yet by the end of sophomore year I was going to be forced to decide! Oh, the turmoil in my brain came back to me as I struggled and desired for God's will yet couldn't hear above all the “noise”. Suddenly, standing by that brook today I didn't long for my “old” life! There sure are a lot of things about that girl that I miss and probably always will. But for one brief breath I could be okay with the day that she was lost and it seemed like nothing again would ever be clear! That day when moving forward could only happen with faith!!  While I thought that was exactly how I was living back then, it is only through the storm that I can now see that girl. That scared, worried, stressed girl who only made decisions based on “what was sensible” even if she hated every minute of it! She worried about all the perceived expectations of her and was totally consumed by fear. Fear of headaches, migraines, having kids, hating classroom teaching, marrying the wrong person, never meeting the right one, and the list could go on and on!!! She was a mess in college trying to hold it all together.  So she went along often unnoticed,  unsure, immature,having unreal expectations of both herself and others. But, with a heart truly seeking God's will for her life. Thankfully, she was/is a daughter of an infinitely loving King who answered all her silent prayers and heart's desires, even though she would have to struggle and life with all these blessings would not be perfect or "how she pictured it." I'm not really sure what other people would tell you about the girl that she was. Most would probably answer, "who??" If she, that 18 year old by the brook, had  known what the next seven years would hold for her, I am quite certain she would have responded much like Moses did at the burning bush, I imagine her with intense fear saying, "certainly you can't mean me for that story, you know how weak and fearful  I am, nobody even notices me, it is all more than I can survive".  Yet, God gave her an incredible testimony.  I am the girl she resembles. I am still imperfect and often times scared and unnoticed.   I still haven't figured it all out nor has everything been revealed in His perfect will but He has never let me go, I would not have made it through alone!!!! So now I, the 30-something aneurysm survivor with a TBI, waits and longs for doing more in His perfect will. Still, while being incredibly thankful I can remember that 18 year old version of me! Thankful that I was privileged to go to college and finish strong with all of my brain cells still intact, no matter how many mistakes I made along the way!!