This post started out as one about opinions. Specifically, one day when I became overwhelmed by the strong opinions of others around me and on social media. As a highly sensitive person (in the words of my therapist, "wow, I've never seen a score that high.") I tend to take everything too personally. But, Mother's Day, I dread for weeks before it comes. I have a wonderful, selfless mother. She made sure we had a great childhood. We went to Story Time at the library, read all the classic children's books, always had a balanced diet, played outside in our expansive yard and made up our own "castle" in the woods. She was a teacher and a mom. Yet, I never once ever remember feeling neglected. We always ate supper as a family and had clean clothes to wear. I don't know how she did it but it gave us the opportunity to have horses and go to a good college. Sure we spent a few days each summer in either her classroom or my father's (also a teacher.) I remember liking it. There were plenty of things to keep us occupied while they prepared for a new school year. FIRST, remember that my brain is literally stuck in 2005. Now, fast forward to 2002 when I got married to hubby with my degree in Elementary Education. I was very much a people person and saw the tremendous impact both of my parents had on their students even years later. Even in college though I had this sense that God had some sort of different plan for my life. I had no longing to be a mom like most of my friends did and if you ask any of those closest to me at the time they will tell you I always knew I'd end up different. I thought I might be called to adopt a child with special needs or something like that. But, get married and have kids? NOT for me I sensed. Maybe teaching was where I would leave my impact?
My hubby knew this when he married me. He was okay with God's plan. We were okay with God's plan. I am overly sensitive. I think the day we returned from our honeymoon was when the pressure about kids started. I was 22, hubs 23. We had plenty of time to just be married since our entire relationship was a long distance one. The brazen pressure about children shocked me, frankly. I grew up in a family and church that valued children but left you alone about them. Now the pressure was all around me. I had no capacity to handle it. I began to feel like a "bad person." Was there something wrong with me? And thus, the battle began. Even at Christmas a little stocking was hung and paraded around wondering when it was to be filled. I couldn't escape it. Yet, I still had this sense that something different awaited me. So, I waited but the pressure grew into resistance, resentment, self-preservation, bitterness, sin. And oh how I dreaded Mother's Day when I felt nothing but judged and pitied. I didn't want to be either. I felt like poor Hester with that scarlet letter standing in the town square, everyone judging her for what she did, her mistake. Since according to the critics, the only plan for a married woman is to have children and raise them, but even still give a girl a couple years before the pressure starts!. There was no room for me. I didn't fit. I began feeling even worse about myself. Did I miss something? Were they right? I knew none of them were, but I lacked the maturity to see it for what it was; their problem, not mine. I was seeking the Lord's will for my life, whatever that may be. Except now it was my problem too, because I was so angry about it. I was a mess, coming unglued. It was effecting every part of my life now, and I had no idea how to fix it or what to do. So I stood there feeling like Hester with a J(judged) and P(pitied) written on me, real or imagined, that is what it felt like to me. Then, my aneurysm...............the different plan revealed!
This year is the first year I actually felt a measure of peace about the day. We went to church (a different one than 2002) and had a nice quiet afternoon to ourselves. I took a nap with my little Terrier mix, Pippi and avoided Facebook at all the overly emotional sentimentality I knew I would find. It makes me uncomfortable in general. I celebrated Mother's Day with my mom last weekend and hub's side last night. I walked out of church and shed those letters. God's providence has prevailed as it always does. I am fully accepted and whole in Christ and gifts withheld turn into unexpected blessings.
Happy Mother's Day to all my mom friends and family. Thanks for doing what you do and letting me be me.
