Kristian Stanfill - Always

My foes are many, they rise against me
But I will hold my ground
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Troubles surround me, chaos abounding
My soul will rest in You
I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm
My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord
From You Lord, from You Lord

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always
I will not fear, His promise is true
My God will come through always, always

Oh, my God, He will not delay
My refuge and strength always, always!

Resolutions ??

I never used to make a "New Year Resolution" mostly because "everybody does it, and nobody really follows it anyway". But, this December has really taken a toll on my energy levels and has left me feeling defeated and exhausted with little left to give! I hate this feeling and I am trying to find a better balance, somehow! December has brought so many heartbreaking, nail biting moments! It began with the sudden death of a beautiful young friend.  My heart is still breaking for her family and friends! We used to try to have a sense of humor about all the strange "functions of the brain that nobody could explain". I have a hard time accepting it at 33, she was 17! Then brought, life threatening tachycardia on one of my most dear, best friends!  My heart ached for her, her husband and her two young boys! She ended up traveling to NYC for a second opinion and doctors were able to ablate a dangerous rhythm in her heart. She is now home recovering and I long to just hang out and spend time with her instead of "crashing" in utter fatigue. Then, there are dear, dear family members facing serious illnesses of their own.....and my heart aches!! I have also been struggling with migraine auras again that cause temporary vision loss.  I have gotten them since I was 18 but, of course, they scare me more than ever.  So, I struggle every day with this "fear" of getting another one, it is exhausting! I feel like there is a war waging beyond this earthly realm, this scares me too! Please pray, if you are so inclined!  Meanwhile, I try to "live life" and go to appointments or short work shifts I have agreed to because I hate giving my word and backing out! I know everyone would understand....eventually! So, with Christmas behind me (and all the craziness it alone brings) here is my "New Year Resolution" and, since I will forget it the moment someone says, "Can you..............." please hold me accountable to this simple sentence:

“No" is a complete sentence.” ― Anne Lamott
PS- this does not include those moments when you have calculated the exhaustion and deemed it worth it anyway, because these moments are just life's reality! I am only talking about extra things that I could say no to instead of saying yes out of guilt or a desire to do it even though it isn't necessary (like grocery shopping just because the list is long, or filling in at the library when and extra person isn't truly necessary).

So continues this journey to accept and live by these new limits whether people understand it or accept it, it seems to be here to stay. My neurosurgeon reminded me of this very fact this week.  At this point in recovery it probably is what it is, for good!  So, instead of striving to make it different, it is what it is.  It is not the picture in my head almost 8 years ago.  Clearly my "plan" was not God's plan for me and His is always better! So, I will continue to count my blessings and try to move forward making the best of 'what is now'. HAPPY NEW YEAR, thank you Lord for giving us another year!
PS- Happy Birthday Christine!!!

1/1 of any year!

Here is the thing I like about 1/1 of any year. No matter what you do today you have "done it every day this year".  For example, I have cooked breakfast every day this year. Now tomorrow, that will certainly all go away, but for today, it was breakfast every day! HAPPY, HEALTHY NEW YEAR FRIENDS!!!

Yet another quote!!!

this quote sooths my often anxious soul.................................
Every experience God gives us, every person he puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future that only he can see. -Corrie ten Boom

Another quote........

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
― Haruki Murakami

 

 

 

Reminiscing....................

   "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

 I can't believe that it has been 10 years since I graduated from college with my Elementary Education degree in hand, ready to "save the world", or at least a few kids, anyway! A few weeks ago I 'dragged' my wonderful husband back to my tiny, rural Alma Mater to reunite with old friends! I of course was obsessed over every detail as I do now when something is unfamiliar to me.  Everyone kept telling me it was "no big deal, just old friends hanging out".  I appreciate their love for me in trying to calm my obsessive ways but I still obsessed! After packing every last thing I "might need", seriously, if you think I am kidding you have never visited Western New York.  It could easily go from warm and sunny to snowing in minutes and let's just say, it is 45 minutes to any civilization where you might have a chance of "picking up" whatever it is you forgot! Now please remember, if I get too cold my left side still becomes spastic and it is uncomfortable to have your muscles all cramped up for any length of time, so I like to avoid it when I can! With that being said, I was pretty exhausted from the packing alone! My husband, on the other hand, simply throws a few things in a bag and is ready to go!  I love that, if only I could do that and not obsess, make detailed lists and devise a "just in case plan"so I am not having to make a quick decision or forced to "rush" (neither are things I am capable of anymore). 
    So, with packing behind me we left on my "mecca" back to college! Now you should know that when you go to a private college in the "middle-of-nowhere", the local truck stop becomes a popular 'hangout'!  I'm not kidding! So, I make this big deal about the truck stop, we are about to come to, I sarcastically prep my husband for the excitement by turning on the drama as best I can(poor man).  Long story short......the truck stop has closed down, rats, now my story is so much less believable.  Never-the-less, we venture to college.  As we are almost there my hubby says, "man, this place really is in the middle of nowhere", Ya think????? As we pull into campus I was filled with so many conflicting emotions! I knew I would be but until you are just there, in the moment, there is no way to fully prepare!
    As I walked into the "Campus Center" it was all redone but still smelled the same, just a distinct smell, not good or bad! But, then the flood of emotion mixed in the the confusion of an unfamiliar setting!  There I stood for a moment, taking it all in.  There are so many good feelings and happy memories of this place that they almost choked out the unpleasant ones.  But, you can't help but remember the late nights and tall cups of coffee, giving you that nauseous feeling! I am still trying to repress most of my freshman year of poor time management, less than ideal relationships and poor judgement in general! Just to clarify, not the usual poor judgment things freshman with 'new found freedom' do. No, I am talking about "going to class in your PJ pants with a hat on your head" kinds of things you hope you are NOT remembered for!! I know I should be more forgiving of my 18 year old self, but seriously, I have no idea how to "not be" too hard on myself.  That was also the year my horrid migraines started, I think I had one, never-ending, migraine until my aneurysm ruptured but there apparently is no connection.  I'm not going to lie, it was really hard to function with a headache of varying degrees of severity! If only all my weird insecurities could be blamed on it!
      So, while the "before Aneurysm Lisa" would have been all about spending every second chatting with people, the "after aneurysm Lisa" escaped with her husband to Letchworth State Park for an afternoon of beautiful leaves and quiet spaces AND A CAMERA! I only took a few hundred pictures.  I am SO thankful for digital cameras!!!Then it was back to Campus for for a reunion dinner!

"Not one that I have found in all my searching equaled the one that found me when I finally stopped." -Tyler Knott Gregson
                                             Here are some photos for you..............

 

 

 

  

 

 HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEKEND!

THE ACCEPTANCE JOURNEY continues

I saw my neurology PA on Monday!  I "talked" my dad into coming with me so I could keep things straight and remember what they told me.  They confirmed that scans all look good (they let me physically read the reports for myself, I must have a 'red flag' in my file, I didn't even have to neurotically ask). No concerns stemming from the aneurysm, that is a relief to hear, again.  The general consensus is.....migraine (aura came Friday night) caused numb face and hand is unrelated with an irritated median nerve from the curled stroke hand all the time.  I am now wearing a wrist guard 24/7 to keep the left side from curling because realistically, I can't think about keeping it uncurled ALL the time, I still have to live life, cook dinner, do laundry, grocery shop, the usual things that take incredible brainpower now!!

I must say in the ER I was more overloaded than I have been in years.  I literally could not focus long enough to follow a finger with my eyes! So glad Nate was there with me! Although, amazingly, the neurologist seeing me picked up on it right away as she asks, "are you having trouble concentrating?" This week I decided I was going to limit my daily activities and not "push through" each day doing 'WAY TOO MUCH'.  A couple days earlier this week, I didn't even have the strength or energy to get out of bed so, I just stayed there! I was SO wiped out I was not convinced my involuntary muscles would even keep going (you know like your heart pumping blood, your lungs breathing in air).  I haven't crashed that hard in awhile!  I guess three, four hour mornings in one week at work is still way too much for this injured brain.  Lesson learned. Please remind me if I forget or try to push it again!  My brain DOES NOT 'just bounce back' (this is confirmed by renown neuro-psychologist, I didn't just make it up).  That being said, I had to miss out on a family gathering for my cousin's 18th birthday (Happy 18th Birthday M), I hate missing things I would love to be at but I am learning: NEW LIMITS WITH ACCEPTANCE AND JOY!



Just because this picture makes me smile!!  -Author of Picture Unknown