Tuesday, April 28, 2015

She wondered, "Is there a cloaking device I am unaware of"

Insignificant, what a nasty little word!  What a monster it is to feel though! It's roots run deep and it's branches plentiful! Do you ever wrestle with this word? Do you ever feel it? Being painfully shy growing up is when I probably began to wrestle with it. "Relationships" along the way only seemed to justify the lie and destroyed my peace because I believed I would never be any one's first choice (until I met my hubs, of course.) I was always the girl without a date(okay, except for junior prom when a good friend knew my shy, sheltered ways and took pity on me figuring I had written the experience off. He asked me so 'I wouldn't miss out on such a milestone/memory in life' ), the one nobody thought/dared to invite. I was convinced I was invisible to everyone. Eventually, there was nothing you could do or say to convince me otherwise until my hubs managed to. I was shy, scared, sassy and believed a lot of silly lies! In college, I was determined to change this. But let's face it, I was just shy. Being outgoing and confident was very awkward and uncomfortable and just seemed like another lie!

The Lord has been working on my heart the last few months.  For some reason I really wrestled with it, this notion of insignificance!  Perhaps the combination of the hubs being gone so much with work obligations, big decisions needing to be made, and just a general brain fog/crash that seemed to cling on for dear life! Now if you know me or have ever read my blog you are probably asking yourself, how in the world could I ever struggle with this??? I mean God thought me significant enough to die on a cross for me.  He used a shy, rather insecure, awkward girl to give an amazing story to (remember the story of Moses arguing with God at the burning bush??) Thank you Lord for using the "unlikely ones." My story cannot be explained outside of His Grace and Healing!  It is obvious if you know me that it is Christ who has carried me through because that nervous, anxious, neurotic, fearful girl you knew sure would not have been able to carry on alone (and having an amazing hubs also helps)!

So I like everyone wrestle with pride and the desire to do big things with the story you have been given. I have always been a compassionate, people person.  Helping others from my experience is what I love to do!! Perhaps, that is why I chose the field of teaching?? So, I have been learning to daily surrender pride that feels like a failure because "nobody notices or wants my help aka--> I'm not good enough or too annoying" I am too hard on myself when I simply can't keep up now or when I don't feel like an intelligent person because the recall and processing is so much slower than I remember it to be!  Silly, silly girl, it is all there it just needs to be accessed differently. A new key made for every single file (that will surely take a lifetime).

Our women's conference at church had a whole session on getting "Untangled" from this very thing and recognizing your "Truly Significant Life." Um mm, it is no coincidence that the topic 'just happened' to be that. After relocating churches several years ago,time and time again my struggles have been met with truth in a practical way, and my soul heals just a little bit! So, do you get tangled in this lie?? Consider the advice of, Donna Jones, our speaker:
1. I get tangled if I derive my significance from my performance.
2. I get tangled if I derive my significance from position.
3. I get tangled if I derive my significance from appearance.
4. I GET UNTANGLED WHEN I DERIVE MY SIGNIFICANCE FROM God AND HOW He SEES ME

Happy untangling and don't forget to notice others and serve them which ultimately provides the only true significance. It is NOT who asks you to speak again or if the story you submitted is chosen.   Significance doesn't even mean 'visibly using your college degree in a chosen prefession'(but that is another blog for another day, the draft is being worked on so it says exactly what it is intended and not a bitter rant) Significance is surrendering to God's will and working there as he equips you! Then, one day it is the little things that begin to make you smile; like a friend saying she doesn't think she could handle the brain injury journey without someone who "gets it", having your photos used on a flyer, or having someone call you their "TiTi"(auntie)and your heart stops hearing the lies and remembers you are truly and deeply significant, right where you are! Just today, the Lord brought this story to my mind and I searched ALL morning, hoping I had posted it like I thought I probably did!

"Only one life 'twill soon be past, only what's done for Christ will last."- CT Studd

Here is the story again from the "Streams in the Desert" devotional.............

"A story is told of a king who went into his garden one morning, and found everything withered and dying. He asked the oak that stood near the gate what the trouble was. He found it was sick of life and determined to die because it was not tall and beautiful like the pine. The pine was all out of heart because it could not bear grapes, like the vine. The vine was going to throw its life away because it could not stand erect and have as fine fruit as the peach tree. The geranium was fretting because it was not tall and fragrant like the lilac.
And so on all through the garden. Coming to a heart's-ease, he found its bright face lifted as cheery as ever. "Well, heart's-ease, I'm glad, amidst all this discouragement, to find one brave little flower. You do not seem to be the least disheartened." "No, I am not of much account, but I thought that if you wanted an oak, or a pine, or a peach tree, or a lilac, you would have planted one; but as I knew you wanted a heart's-ease, I am determined to be the best little heart's-ease that I can."
Others may do a greater work,
But you have your part to do;
And no one in all God's heritage
Can do it so well as you."          

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Why I don't get out much!


This is my best attempt at explaining how a brain injury feels like every single day!  Now carry on as usual with all this going on in your head! Have a coherent, meaningful conversation, try getting dinner ready, now don't forget to put on shoes as your run out the door totally overloaded and utterly exhausted!!