Thursday, August 30, 2012

*Deep Breath*

Today(now yesterday) started out more promising than earlier this week.  It was cool out this morning and cloudy!! Just the way I like it! I am still really, really crashing from two weeks of nonstop busy! I think from now on, if I am feeling like I am "being asked too much" I should just say 'no' to whatever it is! 
I had to be at a doctor appointment at 3 pm, I left EXTRA early so I could drop off extra tomatoes to my neighbor! Of course, the second I left my house......OUT CAME THE SUN! *deep breaths* On the way there, I ran into stopped traffic......miles and miles of sitting cars!  Now, there is glare off every windshield for miles! I try to keep my eyes on the road! After awhile, I decided to be nice to the Jeep and turn the AC off since we weren't moving.  Now, there I was sitting, sweating, avoiding sun glare, and overloaded by all the commotion around me! I was just thankful I decided to wear the more "toxic" deodorant instead of the all natural, but less effective stuff!!!! Thankfully, when I did look up I saw the vehicle right next to me was an ambulance and that made me feel a little better, you know, just in case you should need one (neurotic right??- that these thoughts go through my broken mind)By this time, I am now almost late to my appointment instead of arriving insanely early and sitting in the waiting room reading to unwind before my appointment because I knew I had a million questions for the poor doctor!
I did make it to my appointment but was visibly "frazzled" as I had no idea if my insurance had changed or what my address is! *deep breaths* No wonder everyone in every office knows me by name!! Sometimes, it gives me a complex though, I must admit!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012


Tomorrow marks 7 years since my third aneurysm/bypass surgery!  It was a day, shared with many hit and devastated by hurricane Katrina.  The whole day just seems so surreal to me still!!  My surgery was so risky there was a real possibility I would not wake up from it. The memories are still raw and oh, so real.  They are still too painful to write about tonight! It probably doesn't help that I am exhausted from two weeks packed with nonstop busy days, that always makes me feel more 'unstable'. 

a photo of Hurricane Isaac from the Weather Channel


Wednesday, August 22, 2012


"I have just discovered what is wrong with my brain: On the left side, there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left" (this is funny because my aneurysm burst in the right side so there probably truly isn't much left)


I love this email so much from my Aunt M I had to post it:
----------------The Window from which we look----------

"A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast,

The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the
Wash outside.
"That laundry is not very clean", she said.
"She doesn't know how to wash correctly.
Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a
Nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:

"Look, she has learned how to wash correctly.
I wonder who taught her this."

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and
Cleaned our windows."

And so it is with life. What we see when watching others
Depends on the purity of the window through which we look!
This is a good one. "

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


“Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think........But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you." -Christopher Robin to Pooh

Sunday, August 12, 2012


So, here is why I like the Olympics. This year,it is mostly the footage from London, my favorite city! I don't know why but I am just obsessed with all things London (or British really). Perhaps, it is my English roots from hundreds of years ago, or the cool, rainy, perfect weather. Those are the best explanations I can come up with. Yes, in college I was fortunate enough to take an 'art credit' there for 3 weeks! Now, I want to go back to do all the things I didn't get do the first time :-) With that being said, I am enamored by athletes. Probably because I have NO athletic ability, nope absolutely NONE. So, I amazed by the capability of the human body! Even the para Olympics far exceed my capabilities; and I have all my original limbs (even if only half of them work properly)! I began thinking, "what would 'Brain Injury Olympics' look like?" I started this commentary in my head explain why everything is such a struggle, calling for endurance, persistence and sheer will to succeed (I have since forgotten the elaborate commentary about how every single thing in daily life now has to be carefully planned, like walking down stairs, it is now possible to forget you are walking down stairs and end up in a frustrated heap when you loose your balance and miss a step. Even if I could remember the commentary I created, I wouldn't have the energy to type it out!)  The headlines would read "EVERY DAY THINGS ARE NOW OLYMPIC EVENTS!"  Okay, allow me to diverge a moment, this is what triggered my thoughts: I was going to make a nice lasagna dinner tonight since my hubby has been out of town.  On Pinterest I found a "very easy" French bread recipe.  For most human beings it probably is but by the time I got done mixing and measuring and kneading and, and, and....... my brain was so fried that I might have bread, but I am so fried that making the rest of dinner to go with it.....NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.............too many steps!

Even, going to BJs this week also proved to be an "Olympic sized" event! It finally rained here giving my poor sensitive eyes relief from driving in the blazing sun! Driving in rain, however, adds to the sensory overload with the wipers and 'water whiteouts' caused by huge passing trucks! Still, I just love the rainy weather! So, I needed to stock up at BJs so this was the day I chose!  I slipped on my flip flops because if I wore anything more sturdy, my feet would be soaked all day and I knew it was more than I could tolerate! Flip flops it was, I will deal with the consequences later! I get to BJs and it is absolutely POURING, generally I don't bother with an umbrella, but again, I didn't want to be soaking wet ALL day.  Of course, BJs is renovating and reorganizing so I wander the HUGE store aimlessly with everyone else stopping to read signs and find what they want.  I survived this and was leaving with a cart that probably easily outweighed me.  I put up my umbrella and struggled with pushing the cart with just my right arm!  Of course, this fatigue caused my left arm to become tight, my hand curling in awkward positions and my umbrella  now out in front of me, instead of over my head like an umbrella should be.  I could not manage keeping the umbrella over my head while pushing the cart! Half way to where I thought I parked, I threw the umbrella in the cart and decided to just get soaked! At this point,I also realized I had no real idea where I actually parked!  Great!  I stopped, grabbed my umbrella and decide to regroup without also navigating the huge, heavy cart!  I knew I parked in some aisle in the very last spot!  I spot my Jeep; sweet relief! By now my left hand was so tight around the umbrella I didn't even feel like prying it off so I grabbed the cart with my other hand!  My umbrella now out in front of me, again, and at this point I realize the cart is too wide to fit through parked cars to get to my Jeep in the next aisle! My only choice was to return to the front of the store and try again, but oh wait, there in the handicap section, is a opening large enough for the cart.  Using my entire body as a counterweight I try to make the turn! I plea the 5th about hitting (nudging) things as I turned! Of course, now my flip flops are very wet and very slippery too! Very, very slippery, my little toes are curled in an effort to keep them on my feet!! This caused my left leg to be spastic now too.  So here is the picture, small girl, huge cart, umbrella in front held by a strange curling hand, curled toes and slippery flip flops now attached to spastic left leg.  *DEEP BREATHS*  I made it to my Jeep, loaded it up, skipped trying to return the cart to the proper place, climbed in completely exhausted, put the seat back and closed my eyes.  After some rest, I ate the snack I packed for myself hoping it would revive some brain cells!! After an undisclosed amount of time (I lost track) I was okay to get home.  I made it home where I promptly took a nap then got up and sipped on tea, dreaming I was really in London :-)  Perhaps in the future I will completely skip the umbrella or at the very least find one that would make me less of a spectacle  (if that is even possible.)

Maybe time to find an umbrella without the usual "Lisa flare!" Oh, why be normal??

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Post rant ;-)

Today, I had to take my turn today working on a Saturday!  When I got to work, and checked my mail box I found a very sincere, kind apology note.  So, it is 'water under the bridge.' I debated deleting my "rant" post but some day I may want to look back at it, so I am leaving it :-) I hope this will just serve as another growing experience! This is what life is all about, right? So, instead of deleting this from my "memory", I choose to keep it and learn how to better relate to people in general; what a journey it is for anyone!!! Have a great weekend my friends!

the very symbol of 'new growth' at it's best (yes, I'm still obsessed with this tree)

Thursday, August 2, 2012

just ranting.............

Here is my "survivor rant" for the day! I find it very, very hard to tolerate the insignificant, petty things that people make into such a big deal!!! Perhaps, it is a job hazard of "working" in a library after living through 3 BRAIN SURGERIES AND  2 RUPTURED ANEURYSMS!!! I know it would NEVER be appropriate to yell "IT'S NOT BRAIN SURGERY PEOPLE", so of course I quietly try to ignore it (even though I know I will fixate on it for awhile).  Generally, I LOVE "working" at a library because of that same reason, at the end of the day, it really is "just a book" and any mistakes can usually be easily corrected without many bad consequences to others!!!! Of course, I recognize this happens everywhere in life! People just have to add drama to everything! And yes, sometimes small insignificant things bother me too, I'm not perfect! I am just saying that after surviving what I have and living every day with it's struggle, I'm just trying to do my best. I really don't think it matters if I reused your "staff pick" paper, really?? Is that all 'you' have to worry about, REALLY!!!!  Did 'you' really just snap at me over something this silly!  If I had known it bothered 'you' that much, I would have never reused it. In the future, I will just find a new piece of my own!!! So, after trying my hardest to hold it together, I failed and a meltdown took place.  I was tired after a 4 hour shift the tears just started to flow,( I still have no control of emotions when overly fatigued)!!  My very first ever meltdown at the library (amazing, really).  At the very least, I would expect to be told about it in a quiet, kind, gentle way; not right at the circulation desk for all to see and hear, and I don't even have a filter left on my brain! I am thankful for a wonderful and supportive supervisor and a great job coach to help me with the "angry librarian"!! I'm sure by the next time I "work" it will be "water under the bridge"; for me at least! *deep breath*  I have to consider the source (as my wise mother advised me) when thinking about this.  All that came to my mind, was that miserable Principal in Anne of Green Gables, Katherine Brooke; Yup, that should explain it all!!  Might I also add, that this is why I always loved teaching special education.  If find it much easier to understand these rude, socially inappropriate actions with people who either genuinely don't know better or truly can't help it. I have been kicked, bitten and even had things thrown at me without resorting to a puddle of tears, not to mention months in Neuro ICU with frontal lobe damage patients, I'm just saying!!  And, I 'secretly' love that when I tell my hubby about my day (hours later and still crying as I talk) he is ready to storm into the library and defend me, no questions asked!! Okay, thanks for letting me vent, I feel better now!! ;-)